NEW YORK, NY – Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking performance-enhancing drugs, and all the angels in the heavens above have wept as one.
“There’s nothing serious in mortality,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi in a statement. “The wine of life is drawn. All is but toys; renown and grace are dead.”
“We’re really hoping A-Rod will make a big effort to stay clean,” he added.
Mr. Rodriguez made the admission in an interview aired yesterday on MSNBC and provoked by a story posted on SI.com, the website of Sports Illustrated magazine. As the data revealed and Mr. Rodriguez has now acknowledged, he used steroids in his 2003 season with the Texas Rangers.
As the words of his admission echoed through space, a single celestial chorus exploded into a sorrowful harmony, and divine tears descended upon the earth like torrential rain.
“The very sun itself has gone dark in our eyes,” said Steve Grabowevich, an electrician and devoted Yankees fan. “There’s no savor to our bread, no quenching to our water, no joy to our wine. Love never shall return to me, never never never never never.”
The star third baseman, who has been called the greatest player in baseball, cited “an enormous amount of pressure to perform”, and apologized for what he described as “negligent, naïve” behavior.
For now, heaven and earth together await the final judgment: Will A-Rod still make the hall of fame?