WASHINGTON, DC – Shutdown crisis causes U.S. to turn to the alien, P’Lod, for guidance and financial aid.
The United States government will face a catastrophic event of historic proportions, if Congress cannot resolve the budget crisis. Current funding is scheduled to run dry on October 17th and if the infighting in Congress is not resolved, the system of government that the citizens of the United States have grown accustom to will end, permanently.
Republicans have made a number of proposals to keep the government running, but Democrats have rejected them all. The U.S. government has to get itself out of the red and avoid a permanent shutdown. There are grave concerns that members of Congress will be unable to put aside partisan principles and band together to save the United States from immanent doom.
As a safety net, some members of the Congress have called upon P’Lod, the alien who backed Barack Obama in the 2008 and 2012 elections in hopes to find a way to the bring the United States budget under control.
Current Republican planned cuts include blocking federal funding to Obamacare and baring the Pentagon from using tax dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams. P’Lod does not have issue with reducing funding to Planned Parenthood but he will not stand for cuts to NASCAR. P’Lod really loves his NASCAR.
P’Lod has offered to take President Obama up on his offer for the White House, agreeing to pay the full asking price plus closing costs, as a sign of his commitment to aid the U.S. in these trying times.
“P’Lod has always enjoyed his visits to the White House,” said a top White House aide, “He’s really going to enjoy it here, especially the West Wing.”
Based on the great deal of influence that P’Lod had during the past two elections; many conspiracy theorists worry that this purchase is all but a tactical maneuver by P’Lod in order to help him to gain complete control of the U.S. and ultimately the world.
“There are tons of government secrets locked up in the White House, many of which the U.S. government does not even know about,” explained John McElroy, top conspiracy theorist and movie buff, “I’ve seen National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. If we let P’Lod get a hold of that information there is no telling what powers and riches he will uncover.”