REPUBLICANS UNCOVER SWINE FLU CONSPIRACY

pig_conspiracy

WASHINGTON, DC – The growing threat of global pandemic resulting from Swine Flu has health organizations worldwide searching for an origin. But Republicans already have their theory – Pig World Domination!

With even the White House susceptible to the airborne, human-contact-spreading, continually-mutating, dozens-infecting new strain of animal born flu, the World Health Organization raised the threat level of global pandemic to 5, the second highest level.  With this, the WHO declared that the possibility of a global pandemic is not just possible, but so very very likely to happen.

Republicans gathered behind closed doors Wednesday to discuss the issue and how they can best serve their constituents in light of the Senate’s approval of Kansas Governor Kathleen “Oh So Liberal” Sebelius as the President’s Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Their findings on the origin of the outbreak, while surprising, are well researched and the only logical cause of the disease: a global conspiracy of pigs to undermine the international economy causing panic, famine, war and, naturally, pestilence in order to eventually overthrow mankind, enslaving the human race and assuming top of the food-chain status.

“We are here to say that we are on to your games, porkers, and while you have sickened more than a few dozen people, we will fight you to the death and eat you in victory,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky said in a written statement addressed to “Failed Pig Overlords.”

“It is clear that the pigs are seeking revenge for centuries of satiating humans with their delicious meat, succulent innards, and general finger-lickin’ good suckling roasted piglets,” McConnell’s statement continued.

“We don’t know yet how exactly they first passed their heinous flu virus to humans, but now that we know their intent and the extent to which they are willing to go to achieve their horrible goals, we can better act to stop it.”

McConnell’s statement, undersigned “Righteous Republicans for Human Dominance,” sent a shock wave throughout a world eager for answers and vaccines.

“I have no intention of going to Mexico, or Canada, or Spain, or New York, none of those places where the pigs are already taking over,” Mississippi resident Mary Beth Dingler wrote on a blog dedicated to spreading up-to-the-minute information about the conspiracy.  “My cousin a few towns over had a pig farm, but soon as she heard what they planning, she took care of them pork chops.”

Others however, were not as quick to accept the Republicans claims of a united global swine uprising.

“The Republicans are always on the look out for the latest conspiracy to overthrow mankind,” Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-IL) told reporters.  “First it was the killer bees swarming en mass from Africa to enslave humans in honey trafficking.”

“Then, Asian birds dropping flu from the skies to make mankind their two-legged land-steeds.”

“I refuse to believe that pigs are behind this latest pandemic.  I’ve read Animal Farm, I know pigs are smart, but why would they even want to enslave mankind?  Pork is delicious, even pigs cannibalize their own, they know they’re totally yummy.”

Durbin added, “Humans aren’t delicious.  Not that I would know.”

17 thoughts on “REPUBLICANS UNCOVER SWINE FLU CONSPIRACY”

  1. Its just sickening to know that 'pigs' are trying to enslave the human race. The thought itself is sickening. It is unbelievable !!!

    Reply
  2. to theorize that pigs are conspiring to dominate the world is ridiculous! it's not like they held an international convention or something in order to have a concerted effort to carry out their supposed intention, for God's sake!

    my question: since when have pigs been gifted with the same faculties as human beings' to be able to come up with this grandiose plan?

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  3. Did you know that human flesh is supposed to taste like pork? Anyway that's what someone said who was forced to eat dead human meat while she was starving on a deserted island.

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  4. Animals intelligence is larger than what was previously expected, but nobody thought they would be this malicious. And beware. Pigs are omnivores, they could eat meat if they wanted to.

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  5. The idea of an actual conspiracy from pigs (the animals) is ridiculous. Can anybody read between the lines? The pig republicans have started this theory because THEIR dominance over everyone is over and they're sore losers. The smart thing to do is IGNORE all Republicans until they disappear from existence. Their questionable and slanted philosophy has become obsolete.
    They have created a global economic crisis and are completely responsible for the deliberate
    profit taking greed that they conceived. It's time for them to become just as influential in our
    lives as organized religious ignorant philosophies. We as Americans are more educated and
    intelligent to give any of their stupid ideas a second thought.

    Reply
  6. It is clear to me that the pigs are not just after our meat they are after our soles. They want to danxe in front of us in the end of the world before going off into space. They want to rape… they want to get us back for that time that i slipped with my trousers off and well………..

    Reply

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