“I WANTED TO CHANGE MY LIFE BUT…PIXIES? SERIOUSLY?” HE SAYS By all accounts, until recently, Bill “Bluto” Kenny was a horrible man. “I was the ‘go to’ bouncer for all the expensive parties and hi-profile clubs in New York,” he says. “And I was good at my job. It’s second nature to me. I’ve been … READ MORE
THE OTHER PANDEMIC Do you think Kermit is a real frog? Do you think Lamb Chop is a real lamb? Do you think Yoda is a real…whatever? A new disease sweeping the country is rendering otherwise ordinary Americans unable to distinguish between people and puppets. Bill Howard, 54, of Showalter Acres, was among the first afflicted. “The … READ MORE
“UNLIKE MOST MEN, HE LISTENS WHEN I TALK.” After being kicked in the head by a horse at the age of nine, Lucy Grimsley saw the world in a different way. “I was cross-eyed for two years,” she says. “It was as if I was living in a funhouse world. Everything was distorted. My parents … READ MORE
DATING CARDI B? Barney, once popular chubby children’s show icon, fell out of favor and disappeared from popular culture more than a decade ago. After a long stint of depression, some time behind bars for drug abuse, he hit the gym – big time! He shocked everyone when. he recently emerged to show off his … READ MORE
“THIS TOWN SUCKS,” SAYS LEAD VAMP. “NO PUN INTENDED.” For decades, the Los Angeles chapter of the International Union of Blood-Suckers has been one of the biggest in the world. But all that is to end in August, according to the chapter’s leader. “This town sucks,” he says. “No pun intended.” The vampire has agreed … READ MORE
He Likes Ike! A trio of friends out fishing on the Atlantic Ocean recently spotted something that only one of them had ever seen before—a dolphin wearing a campaign hat and button. The adult male dolphin was sporting a straw boater and an “I Like Ike” pin. He also had, clutched between his teeth, a … READ MORE
“WE HAVE TO PRESERVE OUR FOOD SOURCE!” DECLARES GRIZZLY “It really is an environmental first,” says Gus Grizzly, the President of the American Bears Association. “It’s the first time that Grizzlies and our Brown Bear brethren and our Black Bear friends have come together on anything. Usually, we’re all snarling at each other over a … READ MORE
Sal Donato, WWN’s resident troubadour, is empathic. “People always said that but I didn’t know what the word meant,” said Sal. “We didn’t have internet back then. I couldn’t just look it up. For my thirtieth birthday, I got a dictionary and I looked it up. I agree.” In the midst of the pandemic, Donato and lyricist … READ MORE
HER LIFE STORY FINALLY COMES OUT It is a marvelous time to be alive. Elaine, the world’s largest pipe, has finally released her life story to the public. To help promote this amazing record of renown, Elaine has embarked on a world tour. The second leg of this endeavor starts in the United States. Born … READ MORE
AMERICA’S MOST OUTSPOKEN ADVICE COLUMNIST! MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG IS TELLING ME TO DO BAD THINGS! Dear Dotti: I noticed recently that my neighbor’s dog is talking to me. He keeps telling me I should get rid of all the evil people in my city. He’s never talked to me before, but he sounds sincere. What … READ MORE