He Likes Ike!

A trio of friends out fishing on the Atlantic Ocean recently spotted something that only one of them had ever seen before—a dolphin wearing a campaign hat and button.

The adult male dolphin was sporting a straw boater and an “I Like Ike” pin. He also had, clutched between his teeth, a pennant faded beyond legibility.

“Crazy,” said Horatio Pizza.

“Insane,” said Arturo Popcorn.

“Not surprised,” said Alan Jacobus-Pertussionista. “Seen it hundreds of times. Saw a sawfish with a Truman pennant in its teeth. Saw an octopus wearing a Nixon t-shirt. Saw a school of krill bearing along with a Clinton bobblehead. Bill Clinton, that is. The fact that you guys have never seen anything like it makes me think that you’re not too swift.”


The fisherman said that the dolphin swam around their boat repeatedly, producing a series of high-pitched squeaks that they could not readily translate, though they all agreed that he was sloganeering on behalf of Eisenhower, who he did not seem to realize had been elected and served two terms.

“I thought he was saying ‘A general is generally a good idea,'” Pizza said.

“I thought he was saying ‘Day follows Dwight,'” Popcorn said.

“No, no, no,” Jacobus-Pertussionista said. “He was specifically pointing out a few points of inaccuracy in the Master’s Thesis that Stevenson’s running mate, John Sparkman, wrote about the Kolb-Oates Campaign of 1894.”

Jacobus-Pertussionista held his stomach as if laughing. “Jeez Louise, you guys are stupid,” he said. “The dumbest bunch of dopes I’ve ever seen. If they had an idiot contest, you two would win and place. I once met a stupider person, but he starved to death because he couldn’t figure out how to open his lunchbox.”

Jacobus-Pertussionista laughed and held his stomach some more. “Dolts,” he said. “Dunderheads. Chuckleheads. Clodpolls. Rockbrains.”


The boat returned to shore with only Pizza and Popcorn. Asked about the whereabouts of their friend, they shrugged. “Shark,” Pizza said. “Got him. Got him good.” 

“Nothing left,” Popcorn said.

There was no word on who the shark had supported, politically.

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