AMERICAN BEARS VOW NOT TO ATTACK CAMPERS WEARING MASKS!

“WE HAVE TO PRESERVE OUR FOOD SOURCE!” DECLARES GRIZZLY

“It really is an environmental first,” says Gus Grizzly, the President of the American Bears Association. “It’s the first time that Grizzlies and our Brown Bear brethren and our Black Bear friends have come together on anything. Usually, we’re all snarling at each other over a dead fish.”

It all started last March when Gus, who hails from Montana, began to notice a difference in the number of campers going into parks. There were less than usual. As the weeks passed, the number kept dwindling. Gus then reached out to his Brown bear cousin, Ben, to go into the suburbs and see what was going on down there. Ben agreed, coming back with both information and fur reeking of every sauce found in a Chinese restaurant. (“I considered that dumpster a necessary perk,” Ben states.)

Once the bear population began to realize what was going on with Covid-19 and learned of the importance of masks for humans to survive, they called a summit; the first one of its kind. One hundred bears, representing various national branches, convened in Bass River State Forest in New Jersey, where they faced the facts, ate a lot of Taylor Pork Roll and learned the word “jamoke.”

 “We knew we had to preserve our food source,” Gus says, bluntly. “Oh, I don’t mean we see people as food, well, rarely…but, they’re a food source. They go camping in the forest, loaded with food. They leave half of it unguarded at night. We just creep in and pig out. I really love the families. The kids bring so much junk food. I mean to compare chomping chemically-filled human flesh with chowing down on Twinkies? No contest.”

 “WE WENT FULL DISNEY AND DANCED.”

He heaves a sigh: “So, the less campers meant the less food for us.” 

“We put word out to some of the environmental groups. If campers wear facemasks, we won’t bother them. In fact? We’ll take selfies with ‘em. The word spread. One family showed up. We went full Disney and danced and brought out the cubs to be cuddled. The next weekend? There were six families. And it’s been on the increase ever since. Plus, everyone is having such a good time, the campers actually feed us.”

What’s the point of the bears’ behavior? Gus sighs. “I’m 25 years old, which is Grizzly Geezer status. I’ve seen a lot. I don’t really like people all that much because of their attitude about the land. They feel they can kill it, poison it and level it without any payback.

 “But, as I’ve learned, there are just as many good people out there who will never stop fighting to preserve the land. Those are the people we want to save. We co-exist. So, we figured if we could get people to wear masks in the middle of the forest where masks aren’t really required, it’ll make it easier for them to keep the masks on when they return home.”

Bernard, a Black bear who’s been sitting nearby on a picnic bench, whuffed in agreement. “Like it or not, bears and people are neighbors. Now, you may have a neighbor who is just awful, a real pain in the ass. But over the years, you’ve gotten used to him. Now, if something bad is going to happen to him, you try to save him. Why? He’s your neighbor.”

ANY BLOW BACK FOR THE BEARS?

 Weekly World News thanked the bears for telling their story.

 At that point, Ben galloped up. “The Chinese Restaurant just dumped their garbage!”

All the bears but Gus galloped off. “I’m too old for that,” he chuckled.

 Weekly World News asked Gus if he’d gotten any political blowback for his endorsement of masks. He shrugged. “We had a truck filled with yahoos pull up a few weeks back. One guy jumped out waving a pistol in his right hand. He charged me.”

What happened? “By the time he made it back to the truck, his new nickname was ‘Lefty.’”

 

 

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