“UNLIKE MOST MEN, HE LISTENS WHEN I TALK.”
After being kicked in the head by a horse at the age of nine, Lucy Grimsley saw the world in a different way. “I was cross-eyed for two years,” she says. “It was as if I was living in a funhouse world. Everything was distorted. My parents looked like Siamese Twin Hunchbacks.”
Her doctor recommended that she “Get back on the horse.”
She attempted that. She was kicked in the head a second time at the age of eleven and sent into a coma. Eventually, she woke up and discovered that, between lawsuits filed against both the stables and her doctor, she was set for life, financially.
“I decided that I could do anything I wanted, so I did.” she shrugs, her voice taking on a distinguished British tone. “I decided to become an eccentric. Oh, sure, I’m now a nuclear physicist, but I’ve realized something in this year of Covid. I don’t need anybody to thrive…especially a man.”
Her feelings about men can be traced back to her childhood. She recalls her youth after her two kicks in the head. “I hit puberty early,” she smiles. “I had these little mealy-mouthed boys hovering all around me, trying to brush up against me or aim their hands towards my boobs. It was like interacting with baboons.
“As I grew older, it got worse. Let’s face it, I’m a babe. At a certain point, I began to fixate on the Roaring Twenties and dress accordingly.”
To demonstrate that fact, she greeted WWN in a 1920s Teddy outfit that left little to the imagination.
WE MEET TEDDY ROOSEVELT BEAR
“Most men are the same as all the little boys. They pretend to pay attention, but ignore you, and then talk themselves up before asking if you’d like to see their apartment. After a dozen years of that, I wanted to take up boxing. Things changed for me during the pandemic. When we were all asked to self-quarantine, I went to my favorite special toys store and bought myself a companion.”
She leads WWN to her bedroom, where she introduces us to her mate. “This is Teddy Roosevelt Bear,” she says, beaming at a ragamuffin teddy bear on her bed. “It was love at first sight. Once the pandemic surged, I figured the two of us should make our bond legal. We were legally married two weeks ago. I know a priest who’s a heroin addict.
“TR lets me lead when we dance. We both love the same TV shows. He smiles at me all the time. He’s huggable. Available. And, unlike most men, he listens when I talk. And, he’s good in bed.”
WWN blinks, not knowing what to think. Lucy giggles. “You blinked. Let me show you how TR and I spend our time.” She pushes a button in the back of the stuffed bear and a buzzing sound is heard. The bear starts to shimmy and, sprong, a large, uh, pulsating package emerges from his groin. Lucy acknowdges our discomfort as we back out of the room. “Well, I told you it was a special toy store.”
WWN wonders aloud if it’s safe leaving the pulsating toy in “On” mode as we exit. The bear tumbles forward off the bed, lands on the floor and proceeds to do the ‘nasty’ on a throw rug.
“TODAY, I SHALL CHEAT ON TR FOR THE FIRST TIME!”
Lucy doesn’t notice as she leads WWN to a second bedroom. “I’m so glad you arrived today,” she says, dramatically. “Today, I shall cheat on TR for the first time!”
She swings open the second bedroom door. There, suspended from the floor, is a stuffed Palamino with an industrial electrical cord protruding from its rear. It is well endowed.
“This is the horse that kicked me,” she grins. “It turns out he was quite a stud, as you can see.”
“Now, when I plug him in, I will make him do my bidding!”
She runs towards the cable and makes a move to plug the stallion in. At this point, WWN spots an open window next to a fire escape and dives to freedom, thus averting a healthy dose of eye bleach.
Lucy calls from behind. “Don’t you want to see the good stuff?”
As he flees the scene, this WWN reporter wonders if his medical insurance covers PTSD.