The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover..
Q. J-Train, I was on a date last week and I couldn’t stand this guy. He was horrible and I had no idea how to get out of there. The old trick of having a ‘friend in need’ is over-used and obvious. I ended up at this date for over 3 hours on a Friday night! How do you get out of a bad date? – Veronica Chase, NY, NY
The trouble is, we’re all so damned worried about each other’s feelings. Tell this guy the truth, and you end up doing him – and any of his future dates – an enormous favor. The issue is this: Who wants to take the responsibility to give him some of the most uncomfortable and cruel life lessons he’ll ever receive, especially if he’s paying for dinner? Not you, not anyone. So here’s a few tried and true methods to get out of a bad date and do society zero favors in the process:
The Cold Bathroom Floor
This move is solid if you are on a date with a creepy guy that talks too sexually, too soon. Simply, you need to out-creep the creep. Tell him that if he wants to get wild, go in the men’s bathroom and get naked in one of the stalls. Say that you will come in and meet him in five minutes but you’re only coming in if you see his bare feet touching the ground, because ‘it’s the only thing that can get you going anymore’. He’ll need to put his money where his mouth is or you’ll walk. When he agrees (and he will because this type of guy lives on nose candy, Red Bull, and Urinary Tract Infection) tell him to “fluff” himself up because things need to happen quickly. While he is in the bathroom, you go home and he’s left with “Blue-Balls” and a foot fungus.
The ‘My Parents are Dead’
Great for a boring date that won’t shut up about reports he files at the office; Take whatever boring crap he’s talking about and tell him your parents died doing that. For example: ‘Both my parents were killed in an internal-auditing-of-a-grocery-store accident. I swore I’d never audit anything again.’ Then you tearfully storm away from the dinner.
You met a guy on OKCupid, and you realize that since you met him on a free dating sight that he’s cheap and a total loser. Just slip in that you hate Jews. Even if he’s not Jewish, he’ll think you’re insane and the date will close out pretty quickly (lets face it though he’s probably Jewish – I mean he’s on a free dating sight).
The Religious Experience
This is good for those guys that just define themselves by their religion and casually finish sentences with things like, ‘…and it was the sweet grace of Jesus that got me through that swim meet.’ Tell him you ‘totally know what he’s talking about’, because you ‘totally banged a guy named Jesus last night’ and you’ve never felt ‘the flame of redemption’ so far up ‘your vagina.’ If he believes in the second coming of Jesus, then he will think the world is coming to a close and leave. If he doesn’t believe in the second coming, then he will end it quickly, because he doesn’t want sloppy seconds to a Mexican dude.
The Black Swan
Let’s say you’re on a date with someone so intensely ugly that you could never see yourself with them now or ever. Violently push your chair aside, get right up in their face and start putting lipstick all over your face and screaming ‘DO YOU THINK I’M PRETTY!?’ Then lick his face and run out. He feels good, you feel good, everyone wins.
What if your date is hammered – can’t even see straight? And you have to sit there and take it? No way, sister. Convince him that you are even drunker than him, that you need to go home, and that he’s going to need to drive. Then, when he gets behind the wheel, tell him you forgot something in the restaurant and when you head back in, have the maitre d’ call the cops. Then, when he’s getting his DWI, slip in that he hit you several times. Date over.
These are just a few ideas. Feel free to use one or all of them. But, please, don’t politely sit through a meal with someone and then courteously let him know before it all starts that you need to leave at a certain time. Minutes will feel like hours, hours will feel like days, and his “good night” hug will feel like rape.