WASHINGTON – Janet Napolitano announced today that, due to increased threats, all airline passengers will be strip-searched.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has ordered the TSA to strip search all passengers boarding international AND domestic flights starting on January, 1, 2011.

Two months ago, Napolitano announced that the federal stimulus legislation would pay for the purchase of hundreds of controversial full-body scanners. “Through the Recovery Act, we are able to continue our accelerated deployment of enhanced technology as part of our layered approach to security at airports nationwide,” Napolitano said at the time.

The number of scanners has roughly doubled since Napolitano’s announcement and they are now found in 68 U.S. airports, and the Transportation Security Administration says the controversial devices have proven to be somewhat of a success by they are not effective.

“The only way we can really make sure that a passenger is not carry an explosive devices is to check all their body cavities,” said Napolitano.

To make it easier for passengers to deal with the strip searches, Napolitano has ordered the TSA to hire “good-looking” agents to perform the strip searches.  Here are two new TSA hires:

A growing number of airline passengers, labor unions, and advocacy groups, however, say the new strip search mandate has “gone too far.”

“This is a complete invasion of invasion of privacy and is way over the line,” said Passenger Advocate, Betsy Quinn.  “It is going to kill air travel in the United States.  Who wants to have a finger shoved up their butt every time they fly?  It’s outrageous.”

But, Napolitano is holding firm.  “Passengers will be submit to the strip search, or they will sent home.”

Passengers will now be ordered to get to the airport at least 3 hours ahead of ANY flight now.  “It takes time to examine every passenger’s body cavity,” said Napolitano.

Some passengers are actually looking forward to the new requirement.  “I haven’t had sex in two years, so to just have someone touch me in an intimate way, really makes  me happy.  I’ve booked five flights already,” said Joe McDooley, of Philadlephia.

Get ready to bend over for the TSA!

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  1. I've had one of those new scanners when I last went through a security line .. I am pretty sure it does brain damage as I haven't been able to leave this site ever since I got scanned

  2. IF "It's a known fact the "they" are training terrorists in the middle east to put specially made guns up their rectum to hijack American planes." Why if an AMERICAN is flying from New York, NY to Washington, D. C., must the AMERICANS be stripped searched? No one is training Americans to stick guns up their butts, maybe their heads, but not guns. As a rule, "AMERICANS WILL NOT INTENTIONALLY DIE FOR WHAT WE BELIVE IN", We are far too good at getting others to do that. These airport strip searches are simply a way for BIG BUSINESS to make money of the American people. Remember, TSA services are contracted out to foreign owned companies. Please NOTE: Janet Napolitano is not subjected to these searches when she flies around the country. I guess she is a "Good American" and the rest of the AMERICAN people are potentially "Bad Americans". Question:

  3. Why are domestic passengers subject to this? Question: Has a NATIVE BORN AMERICAN ever tried to bring down a domestic airliner that they had purchased a ticket to fly on? AMERICANS are GOOD people and for the most part we do not commit wholesale murder, that is not the American way. So until WE THE PEOPLE stand up for each other and say "ENOUGH", our rights will be removed for sake of corporate profits.

  4. TSA services are contracted out to foreign owned companies. I was subjected to a "Hands On" search at the Oakland Airport by a person who did not speak English as his native language. Why, because I was carrying a copy of "The Last Templar" and the IGNORANT ticket agent thought it was a religious book. United Airlines sent me, a FEDERAL AGENT, an apology, but that did not remove the stain of being classified as a criminal by a poorly educated illiterate.

  5. These people… Do they actually believe the strip search thing? Also the "liberal" news isn't all that "liberal" most "liberal news" is actually unbiased or balance their bias and the only bias is on conservative news.


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