ALBANY – Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino announced today that he is gay.  A brainwashed gay.

Appearing on NBC’s “Today” Monday morning, the Republican gubernatorial candidate Paladino said he has nothing against gay people in his work or personal life – he just doesn’t want to be exposed to their culture.

He specifically signaled out gay pride parades, with marchers wearing “Speedos and grinding against each other.”

When pressed by Matt Lauer about why he has come out so strongly against the gay lifestyle, Paladino shocked viewers when he stood up and announced:

” I am a gay American.”

Paladino said this was the perfect day for him to come out because it’s National Coming Out Day!

Paladino went on to say that he is worried about children being “brainwashed” into being gay because when he was a child in Buffalo, New York, he was taken into a room by his Algebra teacher and “he put a big metal helmet on my head, with lots of tin foil, and they played the soundtrack to “Hello, Dolly” over and over again.  The teachers did this every day for a month.  Then, one day, during a little league game, Tommy Flanagan, slid into second base and I helped him up and kissed him, right there.”

And Paladino has been kissing men ever since…

Lauer was confused.  “If you are a gay American, then why are you coming out so strongly against gay pride?”

“I’m a complicated man, but I’m a simple man.  Just because I am gay, doesn’t mean that I want other people to be gay, especially when elementary school teachers brainwash you.”

The bottom line:  Paladino wants the non-gay vote, but he also wants the gay vote.  He loves gays and he hates gays.  He loves himself and he hates himself.

“I love New York and I hate New York,” said the Republican candidate.  “And I think most New Yorkers are the same way.”

Paladino has three children.  “Have you told your wife and children that you are gay?,”  asked Lauer.

“I just did – on national television.”

Carl Paladino will be in Brooklyn tonight claiming to be a transgender male.  He will also claim to be a Jamaican, and a Jew and.. whatever else he can be to get votes.


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