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REDDIT USERS NOW TURN THEIR POWER TO FOOD

Market Madness CONTINUES AT CONVENIENCE STORES!

Over this past week, online communities have demonstrated that they can disrupt the stock market, making certain stock prices soar way above their presumed value. Companies like Gamestop and AMC, buoyed by online campaigns, demonstrated “meme-stock” growth that baffled long-time market watchers and even led to the suspension of trading. 

“This was a revolution,” said Eric Finster, a 29-year-old eyeglass-store manager. “We made the people’s voices heard in the only way that corporate America understands—financially!”

“Honey,” said Finster’s wife April, “you’re shouting.”

ERIC FINSTER

Finster and others like him have taken to online message boards to gin up the price of certain companies—and to profit from that increased price.

“I made ten thousand dollars in a day,” said Finster. “Goodbye, student loans!”

“Eric,” said April. “It’s a telephone, which means that it amplifies your voice. The reporter can hear you even though he’s 1100 miles away. You don’t have to yell so loud.”

NEXT DOOR

“He’s not 1100 miles away,” said Finster. “He’s next door.”

“It’s Boyce?” said April. Finster nodded. “Say hi for me,” April said.

This reporter, who dated April before she married Eric, said hi back.

ON FROM STOCKS

Experts say that the stock strategy has upended the traditional understanding of the market. But that’s by no means the end. Now these same brave revolutionaries are using that power in the convenience store.

An online message board has started to talk up Twinkies. The cream-filled golden snack cake, formerly priced in the $1-2 dollar range, is now being sold for north of $600 dollars. 

And Gatorade, which has been priced at around $2.50 for a large bottle, now costs $1400.

Message boards are listing other common items whose price will soon be soaring.

“But listen,” April said. “I don’t really think that’s how it works. You’re driving up the demand for a stock, which isn’t really the same as making an item cost more. I’m not sure I understand this very well, but I know there’s a difference.”

“I tweeted ‘Twinkstonk!’” said Eric.

“Jesus,” said April. “That was like four paragraphs ago. And really, you’re shrieking. I’m leaving. I’ll be next door. Keep talking. I’ll be able to hear you fine over there, I’m sure.”

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