ONE SCIENTIST SAYS “YES!” Most professors of Art History and a hefty amount of podiatrists conclude that there are three images of art, recognized all over the world: The Crucifixion, da Vinci’s The Last Supper, and SpongeBob SquarePants. When this reporter heard that there were secrets of da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” that have been … READ MORE
STRIPPER BAKED IN CAKE CAUSES HAVOC AT BACHELOR’S PARTY AND BAR MITZVAH “It just wasn’t Kosher!’ declares Bar Mitzvah boy’s Mom. Police descended upon Cross-Eyed Betty’s Bakery in Brooklyn today after two mishandled orders resulted in a stripper being baked into a six-foot cake and delivered to a Long Island bar mitzvah while a much … READ MORE
“HELLO, I HATE YOU ALL,” HE GREETED. Our story began last month when Guinness World Records, headquartered in London, anointed Ned Demeanor the “Most Hateful Man In America.” “We were shocked because we’d never heard of the man,” said Guinness Records keeper Dr. Spiny Praline. “We observed him for over six months. The man actually … READ MORE
CRITICS AGREE: “WTF?” For those of you who haven’t noticed, there are a lot of surreal movements lurking under the surface of The American Dream. One of them is the Incel brigade, a group of youngish men who describe themselves as “involuntary celibate.” They believe that they can’t succeed with women because, secretly, women control … READ MORE
“IT WOULD’VE BEEN TOO CRUEL,” SAYS HEAD ROBOT, “LIKE DROP-KICKING A KITTEN.” In June of 2019, the small, sluggish burg of Constant Falls, the government designated Georgia “Ground Zero” in the Grand War of the Robot Overlords Against the American Smarty-Pantses. The robots, all members of the A.I.A.I.O. Allegiance, galaxies away, abruptly called off their … READ MORE
BOWLING BALLS AND PINS UNEARTHED AS WELL! Last November, when the headlines were driven by the first wave of COVID-19, archeologists in Egypt unearthed more than 100 beautifully painted wooden coffins, some with mummies inside. It was the largest archeological find of last year. Now, with the second phase of COVID knocking the world senseless, … READ MORE
LIFE-SAVING KISS DEEMED “NON-CONSENSUAL” AND A BAD EXAMPLE. On a lovely street tucked into Burbank’s suburbs is a block featuring nothing but tiny “fairy” cottages. At the end of the street is a house that looks just like a castle; designed to fit the needs of Fairy Tale stars, Snow White and her Prince. As … READ MORE
WELCOMES THE CLASS OF THE 1950S. Entering the 2,000 plus acres Monster Retirement home after dark is like entering a different world, several different worlds, in fact. This reporter is riding in the only car on campus, a sleek 1930s limo driven by Frankenstein’s monster, for VIP tours, exclusively. Riding shotgun is Dracula. In the … READ MORE
PROFESSOR SAYS THAT THERE ARE MORE HUMAN-WITCH COUPLES THAN YOU’D THINK. Professor Julio Chinchilla, holds up a copy of his new book, “That Voodoo That You Do To Me,” and smiles, ruefully. “When I started researching the concept of marriage or a relationship between a human male and a female witch, most people thought I … READ MORE
“IT’S LIKE LIVING WITH A BIG PIGEON,” SAYS UNIMPRESSED DAD. For all those that don’t believe in miracles, they should visit the home of Vinnie and Darla D’Vine. Located in (redacted) in upstate New York, the couple’s humble abode was turned upside down when Darla got pregnant and gave birth to a happy male baby … READ MORE