RECENT SIGHTINGS LEADS HISTORIAN TO SAY “PROBABLY.” April 15th, 2021 marked the 156th anniversary of President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. Or did it? One scholar, who has viewed photographic evidence showing Lincoln attending events long after his death, says that Lincoln is alive and well and still living in this country he fought to keep united. … READ MORE
FOR THE 25TH YEAR IN A ROW! When WWN learned that the American Misanthropic Institute had picked their 2021 “Grumpiest Man in America” winner and that he was a multiple winner, this reporter was on his way. Arriving in Nyahnyah, New York, we were greeted by Institute President, Mr. Silas Pug known, in come circles, … READ MORE
MEMBERS PANIC AS AN UNARMED COUPLE IS SPOTTED! Police in Glenfarthy, California descended in force on the “Stand Your Ground Gun Club” shooting range after panicked members began calling 911 to report unarmed terrorists invading their “campus.” WWN was on the scene. We learned that the club was leased to a local social group, “The … READ MORE
NOBODY NOTICES When WEEKLY WORLD NEWS heard rumors of a gnarly monster stalking New York City, we began to investigate. Unfortunately, no New Yorkers had heard of this prehistoric creature. Finally, we were contacted by a roving mime, who said he’d seen the creature near where the old Fulton Fish Market used to be in … READ MORE
UNLIKE WEREWOLVES, WEREMEN ARE WOLVES WHO CHANGE INTO HUMANS WHEN THE MOON IS FULL AND BRIGHT! The floor of the darkened forest, with its thin tendrils of mist grasping towards the treetops, slowly grows brighter as a full moon begins to rise. Five large gray wolves impassively face this WWN reporter and my companion, their … READ MORE
HISTORIAN HAS PROOF THAT POE DABBLED IN TITTERS BEFORE TERROR! Everyone knows that Edgar Allan Poe was a master of horror, both as a tale-teller and a poet. But Professor Rufus Malady has found proof that Poe started off as a stand-up comedian and, often, fell back on it when money got tight during his … READ MORE
“SHE’S BLOWING MY COVER!” HE EXCLAIMS Professor Emir Zolton has a problem, actually two: he’s an alien spy from the planet Javlon and he has a neighbor who won’t leave him alone. “She’s blowing my cover,” he exclaims. “I’ve taken out a restraining order and the police have been very sympathetic but this woman can … READ MORE
“WE’RE BEING ASSAULTED BY LIVERWURST!” SAYS CITIZEN The town of Maudlin, Mississippi had been coping with the pandemic and the ensuing financial problems well enough. But hell broke loose right before Christmas. According to Maudlin Mayor Bruce Paisley, the town found itself attacked by meat. “We were all doing our part with masks and social … READ MORE
AND HE HATES “MEANIES!” While “adults” across the nation play a political game of “Mad Libs” concerning election fraud, the small town of Facepalms, Florida, is actually prosecuting a proven case; a case that led to the appointment of a 5-year-old judge, Peter “Puck” Smezworthy. Harry Towers, the Mayor of Facepalms, laughs over it all. … READ MORE
SHE BLAMES DATING APP Like many single people, Sadie Lamar’s life was turned upside down because of the pandemic, but she never thought that she’d be stalked through NYC by a Russian nuclear submarine. Sadie, identifying herself as a part-time pole-dancer but a full-time entrepreneur, blames herself. Lonely, she decided to turn to the Internet … READ MORE