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I’m madder than Count Chocula at a convention of diabetic dentists! Now I’ve heard everything! Seems the Government wants to call Cheerios a “drug”! I thought it might be because breakfast cereal has so much sugar, but it’s some stupid thing about it being a cholesterol medicine, and how big the printing is on the box or whatever.

I can’t figure it out, myself, but I’ve seen little kids scarfing down Cheerios like crazy so maybe it IS a drug! Little no-neck monsters leave them tossed around our church every Sunday, too, dammit. Every time I sit in a pew now, my butt goes crunch. (Ladies: just cuz God orders you to have babies, doesn’t mean he wants you to bring the little brats to his house. God’s not grandpa!)

So I guess now the Communist-in-Chief will declare a War on Cereal. If you can’t get a prescription for your Apple Jacks, you’re gonna have to do like we did in the old days, and go to the Cap’n Crunch bootlegger in the woods for your fix. We can call it the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Froot Loops!

Next the government will go after Lucky Charms when they find out there’s nothing lucky about them. I’m surprised they haven’t banned Trix for promoting child prostitution – you know, “tricks are for kids”!

This is all part of the Teleprompter Kid trying to ruin America. I hear he wants to tax sugar, too. Won’t that put everybody from apple farmers to dental assistants out of business? Will we have to bail out Big Soda next?

I hear you can drown in too much water! Maybe Obama better regulate that, too!