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KILLER STRIP CLUB


NEW YORK —  Sexy stripper moves can kill!

Strip clubs are not taking this reality lightly. Hundreds of exotic dance clubs have taken action in recent weeks after a man in a New York City strip club died of a heart attack after a private lap dance with – Chastity.

It was a lap dance of death!

The death occurred last month at Frank’s Cabaret on Manhattan’s west side. According to police reports, a 34-year-old banker had the lethal lap dance soon after imbibing in the club’s “Surf and Turf Tuesday” special.

Sources confirm he also had “maybe 3 or 4  Jack and Cokes, nothing crazy.”

According to Joey McNeil, manager at the well-known gentleman’s club, “The guy must have had a pre-existing condition or something. I mean, don’t get me wrong, this girl was cute, but she’s not heart attack cute. Most dudes start breathing heavy and all that. But a freakin’ heart attack? Get outta here! I couldn’t believe it.”

The club’s owners, on the other hand, took the event very seriously.  Strippers across the nation kept their thongs on for a week in honor of the fallen banker.  Clubs also bought multiple defibrillators and now require wait, dance, and security staff to complete CPR training – whether on the pole or off.

“Coco,” a Frank’s dancer, is not happy about the changes. “One minute we’re not supposed to touch a customer’s skin, the next minute I have to give him mouth-to-mouth. Isn’t that what he wants? Men are going to start faking heart attacks left and right. All I know is a guy has got to be blue before I’ll put my lips on his.”

Clubs from Miami to Portland have purchased defibrillators to keep behind the bar in case of  similar incidents. Some customers are requesting Defibrillator Lap Dances, but the strippers are ordered to use them only on the unconscious.

Mickey “Smooth” LaMonte, who owns Club LaMonte in Portland, Oregon said, “Our club is already a heart attack waiting to happen. We got a decent $5.00 steak dinner served all day, every day. Not to mention, the hottest dancers in town.”

“We’d be morons not to get a defibrillator. Me and some of the ladies even learned how to use one. I can’t have nobody dying on me in here. I can’t have people not paying their tabs either, you know what I mean?”