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ALIEN IN PHILLY SUFFERS HEATSTROKE


PHILADELPHIA, PA –  As temperatures neared 100 Monday, after hovering in the high 90s during the week, a Southside alien was taken to Mercy Hospital suffering from  heatstroke.The Southside alien was spotted this morning near Buddy’s Pizza.  He seemed to be sleeping on a box of deep dish but when a Tommy Fiori, a ten-year-old in the neighborhood, took a closer look he could tell the alien was sick.  “I told mamma about the creature on the pizza box, but she didn’t want to leave the air-conditioning.  My papa came outside with his baseball bat, but he could tell right away the alien looked sick.”   Carlo Fiori thought the alien ate some bad pepperoni, but then figured that it had to be the heat.  “I’m boiling my nuts off out here!”   Fiori called local authorities, who took the alien to Mercy Hospital.

Philadelphia Health Department spokesman, John Grimaldi, urged all humans and aliens to take necessary precautions in the heat.  Grimaldi advised all beings to drink plenty of water, wear lightweight, light-colored loose clothing and limit activity during the day.  He advises all residents to wear sunglasses with UV protection, especially aliens.  “Those big eyes can easily be damaged by the sun.”

Mayor Nutter sent the Philadelphia Exobiology Department to the hospital to assist.  Department Head,  Dr. Zach Collins, said his team was doing everything they could to help keep the alien alive.  He was also initiating Philadelphia’s  Alien Communication System (ACS) in order to reach all aliens residing in Philadelphia.  “It’s important that local aliens seek air-conditioning as soon as possible.”   Collins said the city will open up several public buildings for aliens to use to escape the heat. “This is the city of Brotherly Love, we take care of all those who live here, including our aliens.”  A representative for a local alien group, Philadelphia E.T. (PET), felt the effort was unnecessary.  “We’ve been occupying Philly public spaces for decades – particularly the Free Public Library.  Aliens are fascinated with learning everything about humans.”

Warning signs for heat stroke include loss of energy, loss of appetite, nausea, light-headedness, and heavy sweating.  The heat advisory for Philadelphia will continue for the next several days.  Health officials said that aliens should avoid caffeine and alcohol.  Doctors at Mercy Hospital say that the alien that was brought in had a strong smell of Sambuca on his breath.

The alien is expected to make a full recovery.