CIA CLOSES SECRET PRISONS

WASHINGTON, DC – The CIA has announced that it is shutting down its secret prisons around the world. Yard sales will be used to help the agency recoup precious revenue.

CIA director Leon Panetta announced this week that the agency is closing down all of its secret prisons and Black Sites throughout the world.  During the Bush administration, these sites in allied countries were used to detain and interrogate terror suspects in an apolitical zone.  One of Obama’s first acts as President was to order their decommission.

Facing budget cuts like every other agency, the CIA is hoping to sell equipment from the now defunct Black Sites to recoup whatever revenue possible.

Intelligence gathering and interrogation tools are being sold by CIA operatives at yard sales throughout the Eastern Bloc.  Hidden microphones, fiber optic video surveillance equipment, and working x-ray specs are among the more popular items for sale.  Everything is displayed on folding tables with handwritten price tags attached.  Even the car batteries, jumper cables, and large buckets are finding new homes among the hard working Soviet communities.

Of particular popularity are the water-boarding setups, which are being sold as above ground pools.  A high school in Richmond, VA, even ordered one from the CIA’s Craigslist posting to use in their production of The Crucible.

Listings on Craigslist and in local news papers are being used to sell off the once infamous torture sites themselves.  Given the poor global real estate market, there are so far no bites on the “Spacious remote buildings with built in security system.”  The ad goes on “Great for band practice or remote concerts.  Be as loud as you want, no one can hear you!  Lots of hidden rooms for extra storage.  Also good for industrial projects, already wired for industrial equipment with an easy-to-clean floor.”