Dwayne Stafford has an incredible story. Just don’t ask him to tell it.
That’s because Stafford may be the most boring person in the world.
Fortunately for Stafford, that’s been working in his favor. Police investigations have declared him a ‘Person of Interest’ in over 100 cases, but he’s been released each time, Captain Derek Mallet says, “just because he’s so-ooo non-interesting.”
Captain Mallet asserts that Stafford is a career criminal, but he’s never been able to charge him.
“We bring Stafford in for questioning and a half-hour later all the interrogators are asleep because he’s bored them to death. Then Stafford walks out.
“And then no one, and I mean no one. wants to go bring him back in.
“It’s a matter of safety. Officers are afraid he’ll start talking in the squad car and they’ll fall asleep behind the wheel.”
PERSON OF BOREDOM?
Police routinely name someone a “Person of Interest” when law enforcement officials believe that person has some alleged connection to the crime. It’s a level below “suspect.” Sometimes police declare someone a ‘person of interest’ so as not to alarm the subject, causing him to flee.
Stafford has been named a ‘Person of Interest’ in 43 burglaries, 27 breaking and entering cases, 19 stick-ups, and 13 indecent exposure incidents, but every time Stafford skates because police cannot get through the interrogation.
“‘Person of Interest?’ HAH!” scoffed Captain Mallet. “‘Person of Boredom’ is more like it. You know, we haul him in, ask him ‘Where were you on the night of August 27?’ and he starts by recalling what time he woke up, what he ate for breakfast, recalling in detail all the spam email he received… When we tell him to skip that stuff and get to the ‘good’ part, he says he can’t remember where he was unless he reconstructs the day in its entirety.
“By the time he gets to his ‘mid-morning snack,’ we’re ready to bang our heads against the wall.”
To make matters worse, Stafford speaks slowly and in a monotonous monotone, with a slight Romanian accent.
“It’s unlistenable,” Mallet asserts. “Last year we had to step in to stop three officers from killing themselves while listening to Stafford’s recounting his day. It’s like a super-power. It keeps us from charging him in any crimes.”
Mallet said that there was one plus side to Stafford’s incredibly boring persona.
“We record the interviews and I play them at night to fall asleep.”
Stafford WAS available for comment, but no one wanted to interview him.