BETTY WHITE’S COMING BACK!

Will Join Forces with Teddy Roosevelt and Run For President!

Scores of Americans assembled in Chicago on Friday night to express their support for the theory that Betty White, the actress who died late last year at the age of 99, would return and join forces with a mummified Theodore Roosevelt to run for president. 

More than 40 people met in the parking lot of a shuttered Radio Shack. Some carried hand-lettered signs. “Betty + Teddy,” read one. Another read “Sue Ann Nivens Is Livens’” (a somewhat confusing, grammatically tortured reference to the character White played on the Mary Tyler Moore Show). Many of those assembled wore wigs that made them look like Rose Nylund, the character White portrayed in the popular sitcom The Golden Girls, 

NEARLY EVERYONE

Nearly everyone interviewed seemed absolutely certain that White, who suffered a stroke six days before her death on New Year’s Eve, had not in fact died at all. 

“That’s what the mainstream media wants you to believe,” said Alice Frewer, 71, a retired accountant from Averyville. “But they’re the same people who want you to believe that there was no election fraud, or that giant lizards aren’t running the government. So, you know…” She trailed off.

“Betty White is alive,” said Al Benton, 51, an independent scholar and bicycle repairman from Indianapolis. “I saw her on TV last night.” He turned to walk away but then turned back. “And it wasn’t a rerun,” he said. “It was the news. New-s.”

Others focused on Roosevelt. “Also alive,” said Hank Beardsley, 59, a sign-painter from Plymouth, Michigan. “The teddy bear was named after him. Paddington is a bear. ‘Paddington’ has ten letters. ‘Resurrects’ has ten letters. ‘Roosevelt’ has nine letters. Could it be any clearer?” 

SOMEWHAT DIVIDED

While the central message—the return of White and her immediate political partnership with Roosevelt—was communicated consistently by nearly all in attendance, the group seems somewhat divided on the date of White’s reappearance.

“It was supposed to be her birthday,” said Neil Pipperson, 59, a contractor from Kenesaw, Nebraska. “Which is January 17. But I have looked into the records and discovered that her birthday was not in fact January 17. It was a typographical error. She was actually born on January 77, which, if it is correctly timed out, would be March 18.”

“No, no,” said Drew Howard, 47, who owns and operates a tech consulting firm in LaSalle, Illinois. “The show premiered in September of 1985. September 14, to be exact. So I’ll be waiting out here for eight months.” He patted a cooler at his side. “Yogurt and cheese sticks,” he said. 

FROM MIKE TO DON

Others in the group point out that it won’t just be White and Roosevelt returning. They expect that by the end of the year, dozens of other celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Princess Diana, Charlie Watts, Roger Moore, Harry Dean Stanton, Sondra Locke, Divine, Seth Rogen, Diahann Carroll, Abe Vigoda, Eddie Money, Elmer Fudd, and Don Imus will return and run for office. 

When an enterprising reporter pointed out that Seth Rogen is alive and Elmer Fudd fictional, the crowd did not seem receptive. “Who did you vote for?” said Al Benton, eyes narrowing from beneath his Rose Nylund wig.