SANTA SAVES CHRISTMAS?

A statewide manhunt is underway this morning in Washington for Santa Claus. He escaped from the Betty Ford Clinic late yesterday afternoon. Santa was being watched round-the-clock, ut somehow managed to flee after a small explosion blew a hole in his quarters.  No injuries have been reported because most of the residents were in the dining hall at the time. Security cameras caught two unidentified individuals near the explosion site. Authorities believe them to be Poughkeepsie Bobcock and Cupid. Bobcock and Cupid have been at large since the arrest of Mrs. Claus on December 1st of this year. 

Following the explosion, witnesses report that a sleigh with eight reindeer dropped down into the lounge area, which is located immediately outside Santa’s room.  Tobais Keene, head of security at the clinic described the caper as well planned. “We were completely surprised. Santa has been cooperative and extremely jolly since he arrived.”  

Betty Ford Clinic – scene of Santa’s escape

The getaway sleigh touched down just long enough for Saint Nick to climb in. Then it disappeared into the setting sun. Local and international law enforcement searched tirelessly through the night for Santa but were unable to locate the rotund runaway.  

MYSTERIOUS PACKAGES?

Meanwhile, reports are pouring in this morning from households worldwide.  Children and surprised parents woke up to stockings stuffed with gifts and mysterious packages under the tree.  Reports of Christmas Miracles are popping up as well. A young Mongolian girl with leukemia woke up entirely cancer-free while triplets in Sri Lanka woke up to their first white Christmas.  In Paris, residents awoke to find fine Bordeaux flowing from their faucets.

Other information about Santa’s night is coming in by the minute. There are allegations of vandalism and theft in St. Petersburg, Rabat and Reykjavik.  Liquor cabinets have been raided across Europe and South America. There is also a report of a massive amount of barbiturates taken from a pharmacy in Lima, Peru. Witnesses saw a sleigh fleeing from the scene, escaping into the lingering darkness.

Accounts of Christmas wishes gone wrong are even more disturbing.  Ponies were delivered to apartments and happily divorced couples were waking up back together.  Stockings were filled with junk mail, cat food and trial-sized bath and body products.

Pony in an aparttment

In New Jersey, residents of a notorious halfway house for sex offenders woke to find a fully lit tree, gifts, and loving family members around them. While an orphanage 2 miles away burned completely to the ground.  

THE WORST OF IT ALL

But the most distressing news comes from Cascade Montana where 88-year-old Maddie Sears was found dead this morning. She was last seen leaving her son’s house last night.  Her family told reporters that Mrs. Sears was accustomed to walking home from her son’s house, which is just a quarter of a mile away.

Authorities found Sears face down in the snow on a country road.  There were deep linear lacerations to her body and suspicious deer tracks in the snow near her body. There was an empty Jack Daniel’s bottle left at the scene.

Weekly World News just learned that authorities found a rental sleigh and 8 non-union reindeer in a snowy ditch in Bellingham, Washington. The reindeer appear uninjured but highly intoxicated and have been transferred to a medical facility for treatment. Large staggering boot prints were found at the crash site. Troopers and hounds followed the tracks into the woods but have been unable to locate Father Christmas so far.

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