President caught in Thanksgiving quid pro quo
This afternoon, Pilgrim, a 38-pound turkey from northern Virginia pardoned President Donald Trump in an act of kindness, compassion, and charity for Thanksgiving.
Pilgrim is a leader among turkeys at Gobbler’s Rest in Blacksburg, Virginia. On Friday he held a press conference. Pilgrim told reporters (though his turkey interpreter) that he was considering pardoning the President for his role in the Ukraine matter.
“Pilgrim is not a Democrat or a Republican,” said Jack Malley the turkey interpreter. “He wants to do something to help bring the country together.” Employees at Gobbler’s Rest tell Weekly World News that Pilgrim is the smartest turkey they’ve held in captivity. “He follows politics and really has a unique take on world affairs.”
TO PARDON OR NOT TO PARDON
Pilgrim spent the weekend deliberating Donald Trump’s fate. If Pilgrim had decided NOT to pardon the President, the President would have been brought to Gobbler’s Rest and – prepped for Thanksgiving dinner. “He probably wouldn’t need much stuffing,” said GooBee, one of Pilgrim’s best friends.
There were a number of top aides from The White House trying to persuade Pilgrim to pardon the President. “He doesn’t let anyone bully him around. Several “bad” turkeys have tried to push Pilgrim around and steal his nuts, but Pilgrim is always one step ahead of him.
Was Donald Trump ever worried about being pardoned? Well, according to “Anonymous” at the White House, Donald Trump threw tantrums all weekend, breaking a lot of china, and pushing some interns into a horde of tourists.
“He’s happy now,” said Senior Advisor Kellyanne Conway. “He will be with his family on Thanksgiving and he’s clear for another year.”
In return, President Donald Trump has pardoned Pilgrim, sparing him from being slaughtered for Mitch McConnell’s Thanksgiving meal. “Pilgrim saved Trump’s life and his own,” said Conway.
The House Intelligence Committee just got wind of the quid pro quo between Pilgrim and Donald Trump. They are not happy. Adam Schiff has added the “Turkey Pardon” quid pro quo to the laundry list of offenses that Donald Trump has committed with regard to Ukraine.
Adam Schiff told Weekly World News, “He can’t help himself. He always does things for personal gain. First, it was Ukraine and now it’s Turkey. Real turkey.”
Adam Schiff has subpoenaed Pilgrim to testify right after the Thanksgiving break. “The President, once again, committed bribery for his own personal gain. But we are glad he pardoned our witness. If he didn’t pardon Pilgrim, he would be in even more trouble.”
The hearing is set for next Tuesday at 10 a.m.