Aliens from the planet Gootan have seized the brain of Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York City and the personal lawyer of President Donald J. Trump.
Gootan-X-118-L, the overlord of Gootan—all inhabitants of the planet share its name, with minor variations—announced the seizure in a press release sent last week.
According to the release, Giuliani’s brain was seized as part of a routine raid on Earth. “Every year, we go and grab a bunch of brains,” Gootan-X-118-L is quoted as saying. “Some of them are in good working order, and we take them apart to see how they’re working. Others are diseased and we take them apart to see why they’re not working. I don’t want to get involved in earth politics, so I leave it to you to decide which case this is.”
THE GOOTAN PROCEDURE
Gootan-T-078-R , the overlord’s longtime press secretary, explained that while the procedure was painless, it was not without consequence. “Often, the Earthlings who have had their brain seized experience major personality changes,” said Gootan-T-078-R . “Sometimes, they are for the better. Other times, not.” Usually, within a year or two, brains are returned to their rightful owners.
Gootan-X-118-L was quoted in the release that while many of the seizures affected private citizens, others were prominent celebrities. “Britney Spears, for example, back in 2007,” he said. “Antonio Brown, earlier this year. And Charlie Sheen, over and over again.”
Gootan, located in a distant solar system, is a planet composed mostly of boiling water. “Luckily, we don’t feel any pain,” said Gootan-T-078-R. “We can swim, bathe, wash, without any adverse effect. And the high temperatures mean that all the sorkazzes — in your world, the fish— that swim in the sea end up pre-cooked.”
SENT BY FAX
Gootan-T-078-R noted that Gootan-X-118-L was compelled to comment on the seizure after remarks on Giuliani’s brain by prominent beings, including earthling Hillary Clinton and her alien lover P’Lod. “I don’t know what happened,” Clinton said to talk show host James Corden. “It’s almost like aliens have seized his brain.” And P’Lod echoed her sentiments. “Beautiful lady,” he said. “Beautiful idea. Beautiful quip.” P’Lod added, in the spirit of full disclosure, that he briefly advised Giuliani during his 1997 mayoral campaign: “We handily defeated Ruth Messinger, if you’ll recall.”
The release was sent by fax. “It’s our most advanced technology, you know,” said Gootan-T-078-R. “I mean, we have something that’s very much like a Rubik’s Cube here on Gootan, and something else that’s basically a Roomba. We have TV. But there’s no assisted driving and the Wi-Fi is awful.”
Giuliani himself could not be reached for comment.