MOustached Melon Causes Stir

TOPKEA, KA – A local woman got the surprise of her life yesterday morning. She discovered the contents of her refrigerator had joined the No-Shave November movement. 

When Agnes Aldrich opened the door of her refrigerator she found that most of the chilly items had grown facial hair overnight. “ I’ve never seen anything like it,” she said. “The grapefruit had a walrus moustache and the sweet tea looked like a biker!”  A representative for the whiskered foods told Weekly World News that moustaches were their way of celebrating No-Shave November.

No-Shave November is a month-long journey during which participants forgo shaving and grooming in order to raise cancer awareness.  The movement started in Australia in 2004 and has gained popularity worldwide, but this is the first report of non-animate objects participating. No-Shave November is also known as Movember, a name coined from Mo, an Australian phrase for moustache. Movember focuses on four particular men’s health issues: prostate cancer, testicular cancer, poor mental health, and physical inactivity.

The yogurt started it

Yesterday’s unprecedented demonstration caught Mrs. Aldrich by surprise.  “This is the sort of thing I’d expect from the oven or the downstairs furnace. The cooler has never given me a lick of trouble before.”  When asked where she thinks the food came up with the idea Agnes replied, “I just couldn’t say. I bought everything at Dillon’s like always.  But if I had to guess, I reckon it was the yogurt. It was on clearance. You know the type.”

Agnes Aldrich

Agnes plans to keep the food on display for as long as it keeps and has invited reporters to visit, “whenever.”  

Meanwhile, several men’s rights groups have mobilized in an effort to free the refrigerated demonstrators from Mrs. Aldrich’s custody.  They argue that the groceries demonstrate sentience and therefore should be granted their independence. Media and protesters alike crowd in front of the Quincy Street apartment that Agnes calls home.  Many of the moustached mob have become rowdy and local volunteer police have been called on to serve their community, but with so many of them bearing moustaches it is questionable where their loyalties lie.

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