MONTECITO, CA – Greek scientists doing research at the University of California at Santa Barbara have announced a major discovery. They’ve found Pandora’s Box in the attic of Oprah Winfrey!

It is the 8,600-year-old box that has the potential to unleash horrors beyond belief into the world.

According to Greek mythology, back in the Golden Age, a woman named Pandora was given a mysterious box as a gift from the gods. The gods warned her never to open the box. But Pandora was curious and she lifted the lid and out rushed all the evils that now plague mankind, such as war, hunger, and disease. She then closed the box.

For centuries, most experts believed the box was merely the stuff of fables.

Then, in the 1870s, German archaeologist Heinrich Schliemann discovered the ruins of Troy. He quickly realized there was much truth to ancient Greek legends. The hunt was on for everything from the Golden Fleece to Pandora’s Box.


In 1996, on the island of Corfu, archaeologists unearthed a 9-inch-long rectangular box 50 feet beneath the ruins of a shrine to the god Dionysus. For centuries scientists had given up on the hope of finding Pandora’s Box, but here it was. The Greek government, and the world heralded this as a major archaeological find.

“There was no guesswork needed to identify it. Someone had scratched on the box ‘Do not open, no matter what,’ (in Greek) on the outside of the box.


The bronze box disappeared in 2015. “Someone must have stolen it out of our protective chamber,” said Dr. Nikolopolis, an expert on Greek mythology and boxes. “It had been buried 900 feet deep below the surface and they had built a chamber that was able to withstand a nuclear explosion.

Then early this year, Nikolopolis and his team arrive at UCSB to do some research on ancient California and got an anonymous tip. They heard that Oprah had been visited in 2017 by a “Greek bearing a gift.” The tipster described the gift in great detail and Nikolopolis immediately knew that Oprah had somehow obtained Pandora’s Box because it fit the description perfectly.

They raced to her house in Montecito and discovered the box in her attic. “Our hearts were racing. We knew we had found it again!”

But Nikolopolis wants to take the box back to Greece and Oprah won’t let him. “She feels like it’s her box and she’ll do with it what she wants,” Shanta Hipper, a close friend of Oprah’s told WWN. Nikolopolis warned her that if she opened the box, it could mean the end of the world.

“Oprah’s heard that all before. She also thinks it might lead to a cure for cancer or answer questions we’ve all had about the Big Bang,” Hipper said. “She’s deciding now whether she will open it or not.”

“That’s arrogance at its worst,” said Nikolopolis. “She being foolish. If she opens the box it will unleash horrors beyond our imagination.”

No word yet on Oprah’s decision.

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