And they’re finally ripe for slaughter!
As if overweight Americans didn’t have enough to worry about with people making fun of them all the time, a captured space alien has told the FBI that “tubbos we’ve fattened up with junk food are finally ripe for the slaughter.”
And to make sure agents understood exactly what he was talking about, the almond-eyed bulb-head went on to say, “That’s right, chief. We’re going to eat them.”
As wild as the creature’s claims might sound, the FBI has reason to believe that he is telling the truth.
Sources say that when discovered in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant in Birmingham, Alabama, that had closed for the night, the extraterrestrial was spraying already calorie-rich burgers, fries and fish sandwiches with a sticky brown mist that has since been identified as a super-concentrated extract of animal and human fats.
And while searching the alien’s silver-foil fanny pack for laser weapons, communications devices and identification, they found several vials of a strange, sugar-like substance that according to a laboratory analysis, when consumed by humans, is almost instantly converted to flab.
Under intense questioning, the extraterrestrial reportedly boasted that “thousands of my comrades” have been lacing junk foods with the strange liquids “for 20 of your Earth years. Now we will reap the rewards in the harvest of your obese ones, who by anyone’s reckoning, make for good eatin’.”
“The threat is real,” FBI chief Robert Mueller was warned in an alarming internal memo that was leaked to reporters in Washington, D.C., on Sept. 4.
“Their intention is to abduct, slaughter and eat overweight Americans, and not just a few here and there — we’re talking about millions of them.
“An extraterrestrial invasion, herding process and mass abduction seem imminent, and the question is: Can we stop it?”
The FBI will neither confirm nor deny the report.
The President, meanwhile, is said to have asked for “a full intelligence assessment of the threat” to national security before he decides just how to break the news to American citizens, 147 million of which are grossly overweight and would appear to be at risk.
“If somebody thinks he’s going to wind up on a space alien’s dinner table with an apple in his mouth he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep that from happening, and that includes losing weight,” fumes Meg Kennedy, co-founder of the San Francisco-based fat-pride group, Big Beautiful Women and Men of America.
“If extraterrestrials were targeting skinny people, I’ll guarantee you there would be a national alert.
“It just goes to show that people of size always get the short end of the stick.”