ALIENS ARE EVERYWHERE

Scientists Warn “The Invasion Already Happened!” 

In movies, aliens are usually depicted as humanoid creatures with smooth features and large eyes.

But Howard T. Houseplant, an astronomer and parapsychologist with the Department Of Distant Phenomena, says that the truth is far more interesting.

“Aliens are everywhere,” he said. “I run a lab where we sample various objects for what we call ‘Extra-Terrestrial DNA,’ or ETIDNA. It’s a bit of a misnomer, since beings from other planets don’t have DNA in the way that we do. But the absence of that DNA tells us that there is the presence of another kind of DNA.”

Houseplant’s experiments, which he has been conducting since the early nineties, have yielded some interesting results. 

“Movies sometimes depict domestic pets as aliens,” he said. “They are not. But No. 2 pencils are! Mailboxes are not, but kernels of popcorn are. Hot-air balloons are not. Television remote controls are. The point, which is hard to comprehend, is that the aliens are already here, and that they are knit into the fabric of our daily lives.”

HAVING MADE HIS POINT

Houseplant, having made his point, stood in front of his cluttered, surprisingly small desk, decorated with pictures of his second wife, Kim, and his daughter from his first marriage, Paula. He and Kim have been trying to have a child of their own but have thus far been unable. Houseplant’s last name is rare, but not unprecedented. A Theodore Houseplant was a prominent clergyman in 18th century Manchester, and a Dennis Houseplant wrote and recorded a novelty rock-and-roll hit, “Dracula Dance,” in 1959. And then, of course, there is Houseplant’s father, Jerrold Houseplant, an economist in the Missouri Department of Forestry. 

“My dad always loved trees,” said Howard Houseplant. “It was kind of ironic when I was little. I would think about it: a Houseplant spending all his time with trees. I remember once he took me to work and I spent the whole day playing with his stapler. That was about a month before he and my mom split up.”

EYES UNCLOUDED

His eyes unclouded. “Oh,” he said. “Oh. I forgot entirely why we were talking. A stapler is an alien. As are staples. As are old-fashioned bakelite telephones. As are dog leashes. But not dogs. Not dogs at all.”

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