300-YEAR-OLD DIVORCED GHOST PIRATE SAYS WALKING THE PLANK EASIER THAN MARRIAGE.

Dying is hard.

Marriage harder.

At least according to long dead,  Haitian ghost pirate, Captain Teague, who Recently divorced his living Irish wife.

His now ex-wife, was reaching out to the paranormal world when they met and fell in love. 

“I should have known on our first date, it wasn’t going to work. She said she was a ‘Medium’-but she was actually an ‘Extra Large’,  if you know what I mean!”.

Three years after their high seas  wedding , like a lot of couples, they divorced.  But unlike most couples- they divorced thru EXORCISM!

“ A priest is way cheaper than a divorce attorney. I got to keep my treasure that I came into the marriage with and my soul! Call Father Al and tell him Cap’n Teague sent ya!”

The spectral marauder was shocked to learn that his ex-wife went on record calling him “an energy vampire”.

“She called me an energy vampire!?! That wench wouldn’t let me rest!

Every day her ‘Honey-Do’ list got more detailed and more impossible! I can’t clean the gutters- I have a peg leg, how do you propose I climb the ladder?! And I’m supposed be on disability, for Neptune’s sake!”.

The 300 year old said that he made essential life changes to please his spouse, but they never seemed to be good enough.

“Of course, the raiding and pillaging were the first to go. Then it was no more Saturday Night poker with me mates – Blackbeard, Julius Ceasar, and Elvis. She thought they were bad influences because we smoked some “high seas”. But when she made me get rid of my parrot, Sparky, because she said she was allergic to it- that was going overboard!

And how many shows about “90 Day Fiance” must a man endure to prove to his woman he loves her?!”

NOT ALL TREASURE IS SILVER AND GOLD

Captain Teague told Weekly World News that he blames most marriage failures on options. The world is too populated and with proximity, we have the ability to see too many other people. Not just in person and online, but apparently, now, even in different spiritual realms.

“Dating in the 1700’s was very different. You hooked up with whoever was in your vicinity. For me, it was anyone on my

ship. There was once a globetrotting barmaid,  then an adventurous swashbuckler and blimey, there was even the time I caught scurvy from a mermaid! “

Despite the disappointment,  the centuries old spirit has not given up on a soul mate.

“I’m looking for a Sea Salt of the Earth woman. One who can see past my flaws, and accept me for the Ghost Pirate I am! Just because I’m dead, doesn’t mean I’ve given up on love !”

*Name changed to protect the living-ish.