AMERICA’S MOST OUTSPOKEN ADVICE COLUMNIST!
I’m back! I got tired of sitting around looking at my cats and watching the world go to hell. I figured I’d get back to work, helping Americans sort out their lives. So here’s my newest batch of advice for those who keep on sending me questions. I hope I can impart some common sense wisdom for you.
If you have any questions, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and they’ll make sure I get them.
And yes, I know my picture is old. Well, so am I! Do you think I want to put up a recent photo of me for the whole damn world to see? Yes, I do! But for now, just look at me in my prime. I was a real looker, wasn’t I? Damn right I was!
Thanks for supporting Dotti over years!
I’VE FALLEN MADLY IN LOVE WITH MY MOM’S BEST FRIEND!
Dear Dotti: One of my mom’s old friends from high school, Natalia, stayed with us during the pandemic because she couldn’t go back to her home in Italy. My father died two years ago and my mom really loved having her around for company during these difficult times. And I really loved being around her as well – she is the coolest woman ever.
One night, when my Mom was passed out on the couch, Natalia lured me into her bedroom. I don’t need to tell you what happened next. but I should tell you that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with her. I’m only 19 and Natalia is 61, but she’s really young at heart and knows how to treat a guy. So how can I tell mom about my feelings, Dotti? I’m really stumped over this one. – Mitch in Massachusetts.
Dear Mitch: It’s never easy to tell as a parent you’ve fallen in love with a geezer THREE TIMES your age. With that in mind, you might want to keep this sick little secret to yourself until your go-go granny grows up – and dumps you for a retiree!
HUBBY ALWAYS HANGS OUT AT THE FIREHOUSE AND I’M BURNING UP
Dear Dotti: Am I a bad person for wanting my husband to put his family before the fire department? He’s a part-time firefighter who spends all his time at the firehouse gambling away all our savings in card games.
Things are so bad that he actually refused to go visit my mother in Florida last fall. — Sick of Firemen in Akron.
Dear Sick: You’re definitely not a bad person for wanting your husband to put his family first. Tell the jerk to get his priorities straight – or give him the boot!
HOW DO I GET MOM OFF DRUGS?
Dear Dotti: My mother is smoking a lot of dope and I’d give anything to help her get off. What can I do to help her, Dotti? – Sad in Frisco.
Dear Sad: It won’t be easy, but you need to get her over to Narcotics Anonymous right away! They’ll see to it that she gets herself back on track, and off the ganja. One day she’ll thank you for it!
BOYFRIEND DOESN’T KNOW I HAVE HERPES
Dear Dotti: My boyfriend and I are starting to get real serious and it’s only a matter of time before we wind up in bed.
Do you think I should tell him I’ve got herpes before that time comes or wait? – Undecided in Baton Rouge.
Dear Undecided: Tell your boyfriend the truth straight away. If he is a real man, he’ll understand. Or he’ll dump you. But it always pays to do the right thing, even if it hurts!
AM I A FOOL FOR SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE?
Dear Dotti: Ever since I was a young girl growing up, I was sure I would save myself for marriage. Even now, at the age of 37, I still prize my virginity. Unfortunately, I’m not the most exciting woman in the world and I rarely date. So it looks like I’m saving myself for spinsterhood and nothing else.
Given my situation, do you think I should forget about saving myself? I’m so inexperienced I don’t know what to do, Dottie. Can you help? — Melissa in Kansas
Dear Melissa: You’ve saved yourself for almost 40 years, so another four or five couldn’t possibly hurt. If you haven’t latched your claws onto a man at that point, you might give serious thought to forgetting this virginity business – and take anything you can get!
CAN AN UGLY GUY FIND HAPPINESS?
Dear Dotti: I’m so depressed I don’t know what to do. you see, I’m ugly – real ugly – and I’ve never met a woman who’ll have anything to do with me. Do you have any advice to help me find a woman or am I doomed to a life of loneliness? – Ugly in Columbia.
Dear Ugly: A lot of ugly people find partners and I don’t see why you should be an exception. For starters, set your sights low. There are a lot of ugly gals out there who’d give anything for a man – even you!
That’s all for now. Please send me your questions: email@example.com