“HE’S STILL OUR SON,” DECLARES FATHER. “WE JUST HAVE TO WATCH THE TUSKS.”
“SOY MILK TURNS BOY INTO WARTHOG,” read the headlines of the North Tummler Times. Intrigued, Weekly World News did some research and, then, departed for the town of North Tummler. We arrived at the Hartlynd home, accompanied by police chief Mark Downe. We were greeted at the door by Mr. Harry Hartlynd, who immediately mistook us for someone else. “Do you have the legal papers?” he grinned.
He then noticed the police chief. Weekly World News presented its identification. Flustered, Harry led us into his home. It was packed, nearly floor to ceiling, with peanuts and bananas. Before we could react, we heard a woman screaming from the back yard. “That would be Bernice,” Harry said, before darting towards the back door. “Coming Bernice!”
We ran into the backyard and saw a woman up in a tree. Below her, a warthog in hot pants was bashing its tusks into the tree. “Bad Timmy Tusker!” Harry yelled, picking up a shovel and fighting off the boar. His wife jumped down from the tree and dashed inside. Harry waved the shovel at the snorting boar before leading us back inside the house. “Kids, huh?”
He explained to us that his son, Timmy, had pigged out on a half-gallon of soy milk. The next day, he was transformed into a wild boar. “He’s still our son. We just have to watch the tusks. On the plus side? He’s losing some weight. He’s off carbs. He likes to dig up the yard with his nose. He loves our garbage, too.”
Weekly World News was curious. “What legal papers were you talking about, before?”
THE PLOT THICKENS AND THE WART HOG HUMPS A LAWN MOWER
Harry didn’t reply. Outside, the warthog began humping a lawnmower. Weekly World News then revealed its research. It seems that Harry and Bernice were expecting a payoff from the soy milk company to keep this quiet. Arrange for a lifetime’s worth of soy milk. Harry denied this.
Weekly World News went on: six months ago the Hartlynds claimed that their son, Charlie, had eaten tainted bananas and turned into a chimpanzee. Their lawyer got a hefty settlement from the banana company, negotiating for a lifetime of bananas. The peanuts? That would be from son, Eddie, who became a baby elephant after chowing down on nasty nuts. The Hartlynds’ lawyer negotiated a bigger deal.
Harry Hartlynd was stunned as Weekly World News produced paperwork showing that he had no children and he had rented a few exotic animals over the past year and a half.
Chief Downe was exasperated. “I should have seen the pattern,” he sighed. “None of their kids attended the local schools. I would have noticed a baby elephant running for the school bus.”
He produced a set of handcuffs. “Sorry, Harry.”
“Wait! What if I donate the peanuts and bananas to the local food bank? There’d be a lot of folks who’d like that. Plus, it’s a constant supply!”
He paused. “And if you let me close the soy milk deal, there’ll be a lot of happy kids in town.”
The Chief glanced at Weekly World News and we nodded in agreement. The Chief put away the cuffs. “All right, Harry, we all know how hard it is to just get by, these days. And donating to the food bank helps the whole town. Just swear to me that you’ll never do this again.”
“I promise,” Harry stated.
At that point, the front door bell rang. The Chief walked over and swung it open. A deliveryman stood in the doorway. “Okay,” the deliveryman declared. “Who here ordered a rhinoceros?”