CRAWFORD, TX – George W. Bush shocked his family, friends and the nation by announcing today that he is gay.
George W. Bush, whose memoir Decision Points will be released in October, spoke with reporters outside his Crawford Ranch. “Fellas, I woke up this morning and told Laura that I just realized after all these years that I am gay. I am a gay Texan. And I tell you, I feel good about it. I am gay as they make ’em. Gay, gay, gay…”
This startling news came on heels of the announcement by Ken Mehlman, who headed the Republican National Committee between 2005 and 2007, that HE was gay. Mehlman came out in an interview with the Atlantic’s Marc Ambinder: “It’s taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life,” Mehlman said. “Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey, and for me, over the past few months, I’ve told my family, friends, former colleagues, and current colleagues, and they’ve been wonderful and supportive. The process has been something that’s made me a happier and better person. It’s something I wish I had done years ago.”
George W. Bush immediately announced his support for Ken Mehlman. “Ken’s done great work for this country and he’s one of the finest men I’ve every known.” Apparently, according to Bush insiders, after making his statement of support, Bush went back to his ranch and sat on the porch in “deep contemplation.” Bush stayed on the porch all night thinking – something he hadn’t done in years. When the sun rose, Bush rushed into the house and told Laura that he had an incredible epiphany. “I’m gay, Laura. I just realized it. I’m gay!”
Laura Bush, and their two daughters, were both startled by the news. “Are you sure, George? It’s not something you ate is it?” Laura told George. “Nope, Laura. I tell you, I was watching Ty Murray on the rodeo the other day and I think I felt something. And after this Mehlman thing.. I know what it is. It’s gay George Bush, that’s what it is.”
Gay groups across the country had mixed feelings about the news. “We’re glad that George W. Bush finally came out of the closet and we stand by him in his decision. But, frankly, we are a little saddened to know that the most evil man on the planet is one of us. It’s a bittersweet,” said Taylor Jones of The Advocate.
To celebrate his coming out, George W. Bush put on some leather chaps and headed for a local gay bar, Happy Tails, and ordered a “spritzer.”
WWN asked Former Bush Senior advisor, Karl Rove, about Bush coming out. “You know what, I think George is confused. I’m not sure he knows exactly what “gay” means. I’m pretty sure he’s not gay.”
“Oh, Karl is gay, too. He knows it.” George Bush exclaimed when he heard about Rove’s statement.
If true, maybe George will marry Karl? You think?