WASHINGTON, DC – The District of Columbia legalized gay marriage yesterday, and society has already begun to crumble.
Yesterday the City Council for the District of Columbia voted to legalize marriage among same-sex partners. The fabric of society immediately began to come apart. National Guard troops have been unable to restore order.
Riots have broken out throughout the DC area. Otherwise calm and peaceful people have taken to looting and burning everything in site, however they are not rioting because of the passage of the law. When asked why, rioters responded, “Nothing means anything anymore! There’s no reason not to!” Indeed, with one of the basic tenants of society shattered, lawlessness has descended on the District of Columbia.
Hedonistic revelry has also befallen our nation’s capital. The Washington Monument was turned into a giant maypole, where all the Congressional pages danced naked in a fertility rite. Prostitutes and interns were seen giving lapdances to the Lincoln Memorial. Senators and lobbyists erected a wicker man on the Washington Mall that was filled with Bibles and copies of “Are you There, God? It’s Me, Margaret” then burned in effigy.
Family’s driving through the district have noticed the effect as soon as they pass the border. Once they have crossed over into a land where gay marriage is legal, children immediately begin disrespecting their parents, family units break down, and chaos breaks out. If they are lucky enough to get to the other side and leave DC, normalcy resumes and they have no idea why they behaved that way. Motorists are being advised to avoid DC at all costs.
Scientists suggest an immediate evacuation of the District of Columbia. “Given the geographic confines of this hysteria, it seems the most likely solution would be to remove anyone who is still inside. Once the general population is safe from the effects of gay marriage, 12 city council members in Haz-Mat suits can be sent in to repeal the law. That should make the District safe again for civilized habitation.”