ARLINGTON, VA – Billionaire-on-the-run Allen Stanford has been located and taken into custody, all thanks to Bat Boy.
A prominent financier, Stanford was charged on Tuesday with massive ongoing fraud to the tune of $8 billion. Stanford attempted to flee the country, but was unable to leave unnoticed. He instead went into hiding at his girlfriend’s home in Virginia.
Little did he know how close he was to our young Bat Boy’s home cave in West Virginia. After his crusade to take down Bernie Madoff, it appears Bat Boy’s appetite for punishing white-collar criminals had not been sated. He followed Stanford’s scent to his hiding place and devised a plan to trap him.
Early Thursday morning, Stanford woke to the sound of screeching outside his window. He peered through the blinds to see a large pile of cash sitting in the middle of the lawn. After dashing out with a suitcase to steal the money, Stanford slipped on a mound of bat guano and became ensnared in a rope trap, leaving him hung from a tree by his ankles.
The FBI followed a path of arrows drawn in bright blue chalk from their headquarters to the captured criminal. The Bureau will neither confirm nor deny Bat Boy’s involvement, but could not explain the guano-smeared state of Stanford.