BREAKING NEWS! Senator McCain has asked for the Friday debate to be delayed so he may “focus on the economy”. But insiders tell Weekly World News it’s just a cover-up to hide his secret leg-lengthening surgery!
“I won’t be dwarfed by a Democrat!”, candidate declares.
Republican presidential hopeful John McCain has issued a tall order to his medical staff — he wants to add 5 inches to his height so he won’t look like a shrimp in the debates beside his Democratic rival, Barak Obama.
McCain, who stands 5 feet 7 inches, is painfully aware how puny 5-foot-6-inch Michael Dukakis appeared during debates with 6-foot-2-inch George H.W. Bush during the 1988 campaign.
“Dukakis lost that election because he was shorter than Bush,” McCain told an aide. “I don’t want the same thing to happen to me when I have to go face-to-face with Obama.”
Barak Obama stands an impressive 6 feet 1½ inches tall, and McCain feels if he can get to 6 feet, he’ll be able to nullify the height advantage.
McCain has arranged to undergo a pioneering operation, in which the patient is stretched on a special bed for three hours a day while his bones are injected with calcium. The procedure induces a growth spurt like the one many people experience during adolescence.
“McCain is extremely fearful that basketball-loving Obama will challenge him to a game of one-on-one,” says a campaign worker. “With their present height differential, McCain would get his head handed to him. It might be enough to tip the balance in Obama’s favor in a close race.”
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September 24th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
That’s it! That’s the last straw! I’m pig-bitin’ mad now!
September 24th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
LOLLLL, Mr. Deregulator needs a sound briefing before the hammering of his legacy(Ketting Buddies) by a group of true leaders. As for the lady who can see Russia from her kitchen table;your time is up.
September 24th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
This story’s got legs! So much so that I’m expecting the WaPo to make it page one any moment now.
September 24th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
*Keating*
September 24th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Basketball?? See, I TOLD you they’d bring RACE into this. They should play shuffleboard. That’s a REAL MAN’S sport.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Frederick’s of Hollywood is reportedly doing a custom 8-inch stiletto heel fitting for John McCain. McCain aides are stating that there is not enough time for surgeons to perform a last-minute leg-stretch procedure on the senator before his debate with Barack Obama.
McCain had briefly considered standing on a couple of Yellow Pages phone books, as George W. Bush did for the 2000 debates, but Macho McCain won’t stand on anything considered “yellow” in his militaristic quest for the White House.
Although Senator McCain is not thrilled with wearing Hollywood hooker heels on national television, he agreed to do so if the pumps were in a conservative, neutral shade.