PORT SAINT LUCIE, FL – Gangs are springing up in Wal-Marts around the country, but shoppers continue to risk it in search of good deals.
Gangs have recently been discovered which operate entirely within Wal-Mart stores. They have been seen attacking shoppers; taking their unpurchased items, stealing the wheels off their carts, or spray-painting their tags on customers. A few brave souls have sent warnings via text message or email to friends and family.
Henry Devino, a Massachusetts contractor, was assaulted just last week. After turning the corner into the wrong aisle, Mr. Devino was attacked. He was later found in the fabric section, caulked to a wall with Spongebob underpants over his eyes ($3.99) and bruises in the shape of a Tottino’s hard salami ($2.99).
“It was scary, but I’ll probably be coming back. In times like this, how can you say no to those prices?”
In places like Port Saint Lucie, Florida, Burlington, Vermont, and Stamford, Connecticut, shoppers are on high alert. Greeters in some stores have begun handing out Kevlar vests to women and children entering the store.
The gangs are believed to have originated with children and the elderly who became lost in the superstores and forgotten. Banding together for protection, they grew up and learned to survive in the tough aisles of Wal-Mart.
Given the massive size of most Wal-Mart superstores, the gangs are able to easily evade detection for weeks at a time.
A special Wal-Mart police force was called in at one store, resulting in a shoot-out in the linen section which claimed four lives and tens of dollars in ruined merchandise.
Police are issuing warnings of the Wal-Mart Gang initiation: the Big Rollback. The initiation involves a stolen chainsaw, riding lawnmower and several gallons of vegetable oil. After cutting a couch in half the initiate will do donuts in the riding lawn mower on an oil slicked floor, before disappearing back into the superstore.
wow. iono i live in cali n i juzz heard bout it. i came 2 riverside 2 vizit and az im walkin thru da mall zum dude tellz me 2 not get near wal mart cuz diz gang initiation thing goyn on n dat a lady had juzz been shot der. haha wow iono if diz ztuff iz real bt i guezz.
HILARIOUS!!!! Anyone who believes this needs to listen to the song, "Ocean Front Property" by George Strait, they will probable believe that, too!! I live in Oakdale, La, and there actually were cops sitting at our Wal-Mart, just in case something happened..it's a retarded city filled with retarded people, so why not, it's not like these stupid ass cops have anything else to do, right?
Oh, Please.. How many more text messages am I gunna get about this? I'm in Cleveland, OH and it was "confirmed"(what ever! ) on Fox8 news that 3 women in Northeast Ohio were going to be shot at a local Walmart in a gang initiation- stay away from walmart! I never saw it. I looked it up but only found other cities that "say" it happened, (for example: ILL, Flor, and so on…) I'm sorry Mr. Davino that you were stuck to the wall with calk, i didn't know calk set up that fast, couldn't break away? I'm sure you weigh more than a bathroom tile- it's not super glue!, with Spongbob on your head and the media had the nerve to mention how much it costs to do it! Just gotta laugh, but yet, he will got back to Walmart cuz of the good prices! I'm sorry, but if this happened to me I would surely NEVER shop there again!
Hey Meester Joker! With whatever is going on with Walmart , don't you think the police monitor these blogs? Umm, and you mentioned your "so called" gang name. Calling and emailing some police friends of mine to check it out…. gotta do my duty to wipe out the SLIME on the streets!
thank you
I am going to need some of you to look up the word 'satire' in the dictionary.
Please, a true gangster is a true criminal! "cutting a couch in half; do donuts in riding lawn mower in oil slicked floor". A true criminal does not have time for such nonsense! Probably some kid seeing how much of a riot he/she could stir up!
This is freakin hilarious!!!! Great article and the whole paranoia just added to the fun. Honestly, I can't belive people can't tell the difference between a blog and news. Hope this increases your readership and that the readers get a little more media saavy!
bullship
What about us Brits? We follow everything you guys do, first you give us recession now post recession super market mafia. Remember we've got Asda part of the Wal Mart 'family' Do you think we should scan the incoming customers, (if you scan 2 together it comes up as a multi buy discount) put all their belongings in a see through bag and all that ? Do you know if these people are members of Asda Jehad?
I may not be a fan of Walmarts business practices, but they do offer good value for money merchandise. Obviously, some readers are not going to see the satirical comedy in this story and will believe what they see before them! Reginald, you have a good creative mind that should be tapped. I like to read some more stories like this. Thank you for the chuckle!
HAHAHAH laughin' my a** off. That's real creative, great job. Do you people actually think this blog is real? That's even funnier than the article!!!! Some people are so stupid, they just have no humor.
This is such bull***t
Blue Light Special on Aisle 5
Are you guys really this dumb? Do you really think children and the elderly are being lost at wal-mart and forgotten and then forced to continue living there? Do you really think some guy was caulked to a wall? Let's put our critical thinking skills to use.
This article is what we call "satire". I know it's a big word. Look it up. No, not in the "urban dictionary" look in a real dictionary.
*shakes head sadly
It's unbelievable that there's this many stupid people in the U.S. All Obama voters I'm sure.
This is too funny.
People, take a look at the site you're on.
ROFL! I don't know what's funnier. The original post or the paranoid comments it received…
The scientifically impossible I do right away
The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer
it is funny that it is not on the news anywhere about the gang that is doing it… if it was true it would be all over the news ,newspaper,and everywhere people needs to quit this crap…
[...] joke at first becuase it was a forward but she looked into it and it’s legit. Here’s a story I actually happened to find today. This is kind of weird because the other day I completely [...]
woman & children are being given Kevlar vests for shopping? And they walk around the stores for weeks and cant be seen? This is so much BS you'd have to born yesterday to eat this up. But then again i did read some comments that have seen though this……oh yes f.y.i pajama momma being an Obama voter would not lower your IQ….
this is great!! i love this stuff!
YOU PEOPLE NEED TO GET A FREAKIN GRIP AND SEE WHAT THIS WORLD IS COMMING TOO AND FOR THE ONES THAT JUST THINK THIS ISN'T REAL IS PROBELY THE ONES ON DRUGS. DO YOU THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT GANG MEMBERS GIVE 2 SHITS ABOUT CAMERAS NO THEY DON'T DO YOU THINK THEY CARE ABOUT ANYTHING OR ANYBODY NO THEY DON'T. THATS THE REASON ALOT OF KIDS IN THE WORLD R LIKE THEY R. BECAUSE PARENTS JUST LET THEIR KIDS DO WHAT EVER AND THEN THEY GET OUT HERE AND GET INVOLVED WITH THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE AND THEN THE GANGS JUST GROW AND GROW AND IT NEVER STOPS. THEY DON'T EVEN CARE IF THEY GO TO PRISON CAUSE THEY KNOW THAT THEIR BROTHAS AND SISTAS R OUT THEIR GETTIN IT DONE .SO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FREAKIN TRUTH PEOPLE. FOR THE ONES THAT R TAKIN THIS SEROUSLY MAY GOD BLESS U AND YOUR FAMILY AND PROTECT THEM FROM THIS CRAZY WORLD. FOR THE ONES THAT THINK THIS ISNT NOTHING AND FUNNY MAY GOD STILL LOOK OVER THEM AND PROTECT THEM AS WELL.
IF YOU HAVE KIDS FOR THE ONES THAT THINK THIS IS FUNNY AND NOTHING IF YOU LOVE THOSE SWEET LIL INOCENT KIDS YOU HAVE THEN YOU NEED TO PROTECT THEM AND TAKE THIS SERIOUS BECAUSE I'M SURE U SEE THINGS ON TV ALL THE TIME ABOUT LIL KIDS GETTING KILLED AND HURT BY THESE CRAZY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD SO PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITIATION. HAVE A BLESSED DAY AND BE SAFE
For you who are skeptic, my son-in-law of a detective in CT working this case.
Dur.
LOL=D People believed this??? Riding Lawnmowers and Veggie Oil, LOL. Reminds me of The Onion.