JOPLIN, MISSOURI –  Wi-Fi systems are killing trees across America.  There may be no way to reverse the damage.

A study by  Washington University in St. Louis confirms  that Wi-Fi radiation causes abnormalities in trees and these abnormalities eventually lead to tree death.   Trees that are exposed to the RF (Radio Frequency) technology of Wi-Fi systems are dead within a year of exposure.

The city of Joplin commissioned the study five months ago. They wanted to figure out why their city’s trees were developing weird growths.  The study was conducted by Nobel Prize winning Professor Gunnar Hofverberg – the leading Wi-Fi expert in the United States, and a world-renowned arborist.  Hofverberg concluded that 97 percent of trees in urban areas will die from Wi-Fi exposure.

“We studied tree bark, tree sap, and the insects inhabiting the trees.  They were all adversely affected by RF.   Botanists and arborists are extremely concerned and feel that this is a national crisis of epic proportions.”  Hofverberg recommends banning all Wi-Fi usage within a ten miles radius of any trees.

“It’s the only way we can save the trees of America.”

The study exposed 900 ash trees to various radiation sources for a period of three months. Trees placed closest to the Wi-Fi radio demonstrated a “lead-like shine” on their leaves caused dying of the upper and lower epidermis of the leaves – and the ultimate death of the trees.

He also found that Wi-Fi radiation causes squirrels to mate with chipmunks.  “Apparently, the RF radiation adversely affects the hypothalamus and the sexual synapses in the squirrel brain,” said Hofverberg.  “But the chipmunks seem to be adapting.”

On the west coast, excessive Wi-Fi usage is causing forest fires.

“This seems to match our study,” said Hofverberg.  He also feels that Wi-Fi  usage may cause hurricanes and he’s certain that they contribute significantly to global warming and childhood obesity.

Hofverberg, who will be living in an ash tree for the next month, said he is launching a new study on “big, leafy” shrubs in a month.  “I really love shrubs.  I’m more a shrub man, than a tree man.”  He’ll have results in eighty-seven days.  WWN will, of course, follow-up.

Go get ’em Gunnar!


  1. I wonder if this is the same Gunnar Hofverberg that campaigned heavily for Al Gore during his presidential run? This is likely another one of the environmental scams by Gore. He will likely offer carbon free organic wi-fi for a fee. I heard Bill Clinton has an internet web cam relationship with ex Go Go singer Belinda Carlise.

    • Had to turn a chuckle into a political point huh? You, sir, are a lame buzzkill and a boor. I guarantee your friends only tolerate your company as you predictable pick the low hanging comic fruit. You're like that annoying friend incessantly that turns his side of a conversation into either bad puns (to "prove" how funny he is) or d__k jokes.

  2. These Scandinavian chumps are all the same! Save the trees, blah, blah, blah. For what? All of our sleek, high-concept furniture is made in China now anyway. What about the people? And the dolphins? Doesn’t anyone care about them anymore? The chipmunks are loving it, by the way. I live in Missouri, and I’ve been watching.

  3. Folks, this one really needs quantification. Most trees are subjected to many hours of high-power electromagnetic radiation every day, from a nuclear source we call "sunlight." We've had radio and TV transmitters for many decades now, running many orders of magnitude more powerful than WiFi, without observations of this sort. Separation of ten miles results in a signal strength about one million times weaker than when a Wi-Fi signal fades to uselessness, and well below the atmosphere's own noise level. I am hoping this is just a misplaced April fool.

  4. There is actually a Dutch study about trees and Wifi and there is a report at http://www.bioinitiative.org/report/index.htm
    They document serious scientific concerns about current limits regulating how much EMF is allowable from power lines, cell phones, and many other sources of EMF exposure in daily life.
    The report concludes the existing standards for public safety are inadequate to protect public health.

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