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SEATTLE — Starbucks will begin serving alcohol – beer, wine and hard liquor – in two months.
Starbucks executives have struggles for the last few years, trying to decide how to expand their brand.  They finally have their answer:  alcohol.

According to CEO, John Malley, Starbucks will serve coffee until 2pm (as per usual), then they will switch over to an all-liquor menu including beer, wine, vodka, scotch and grain alcohol.

Baristas will become bartenders and the music will switch to all techno and hip-hop.  “We want Starbucks to reflect the culture. People like to wake up in their morning with their coffee and they want to party down with drinks , liquor.  “We intend to keep our customers high and then help bring them down.  We like to keep our customers on a “buzz” no matter what kind.”

Starbucks is also considering putting in stripper poles into their stores.  ” Some of our hotter baristas will hit the pole in the afternoon, but we want to encourage our customers to get on the pole as well.  Starbucks is going to “party central” for everyone,”  Malley said.

It makes sense.  U.S. Starbucks stores get 70% of business before 2 p.m.  “The stores are virtually empty after 2pm.  The space is going to waste.  We need to get the party started,” said Chief Barista,  Wendy Luck.   “It’s going be a wild party at every Starbucks.  We’re putting a disco ball in every store.”

Starbucks, which turns 40 next year, is looking forward to being the dominant player in the “bar space.”  What better way to celebrate your midlife corporate crisis than to throw a nationwide party?!

In California, the Starbucks will also be selling joints and bong hits.  “California will be legalizing marijuana in a month, so we want to make sure we don’t miss out on all the marijuana dollars that will be available in a few months,” said Malley.

The 16,000-unit chain ranks among the world’s most widely copied brands. When Starbucks sneezes, global pop culture feels the draft.   Starbucks isn’t going to sneeze, it’s going to… “blow, baby, blow!”

Here’s a small sampling of the after new Starbucks Bar menu:

Venti Jagermeister

Grande Screwdriver

Tall White Russian

Tall Sam Adams with two shots of Patron on the side

Two shots of grain alcohol – with or without lemon

Grande Bloody Mary

Irish Coffee

Sambuca Grande

Ron Ron Juice


Mojito Blue

Chai Vodka

Fresh Leaf:  Afghan Train (only in California)

Venti straws