HAMPTONS, NY – The demands on his time proving to be too great this week for individual attention, PhD invited three of his clients to a group therapy session at his posh oceanside retreat.
Lindsay Lohan, Dog The Bounty Hunter and Susan Boyle are each on their way from Los Angeles, Atlanta, and London respectively to join PhD Ape, therapist to the stars, at his summer home in the Hamptons. There, they will enjoy a relaxing long weekend of walking on the beach, poolside barbecues and group therapy.
“While I typically stress the importance of extensive one-on-one interaction with my clients, sometimes it is even more beneficial to put several clients in a room together so that they gain the unique insight of each other’s experiences,” PhD Ape said during a conference call to reporters.
“This is one of those times.”
Lindsay Lohan, one of the media’s prime targets as of late, especially after her high profile breakup with lesbian lover, Samantha Ronson, is said to have called PhD Ape following a night of partying.
“I received a call from Lindsay very early in the morning, it couldn’t have been later than five in the morning.” PhD Ape said. “She was crying and she told me that she needed things to change. She wanted her reputation and her career and her money back.”
“I said, Lindsay, come stay with me this weekend. I’m getting some people together, and I think it will be very good for you.”
Dog the Bounty Hunter, no stranger to mixed press himself, found himself in the news after being shot at during a failed attempt at apprehending a suspected murderer.
“Usually the one doing the shooting, Dog was very shaken up at literally have the gun turned on him,” PhD ape continued during the conference call.
“It’s been a long time since Dog has called me for help or guidance, but we are good friends and my home is open to him this weekend as well.”
“Dog, in the prime of his career, and Lindsay seemingly at the end of hers, are great counterparts to help me give guidance and support to my newest client, Ms. Susan Boyle.”
Internet darling turned reality-TV star, Boyle, famous for her singing in YouTube videos, has found the limelight of fame to be more invasive than she imagined.
“Its a big contrast from singing by yourself in your living room to being featured on one of Britain’s most popular television programs. And to now have the British paparazzi camped outside her home, it’s very overwhelming for Susan.”
“I think she can learn a lot from Dog and Lindsay. On the surface these three have little in common, but at the heart of it, their concerns are the same.”
“Lindsay is the poster child for what not to do as a celebrity, and Susan needs to take those lessons to heart if she doesn’t want to end up washed out after just a few years of success. And Lindsay herself can take some cues from Susan. Her modesty and self-control, albeit very early in her career, I hope will inspire Lindsay to turn a leaf backwards and become that perky red headed little girl we all fell in love with so many years ago.”
“Proverbially, of course.”