SVALBARD, NORWAY – Cindy McCain will return to her ice kingdom following the November elections should her husband not be victorious.
MCCAIN NEGOTIATES BETWEEN ANGELS & DEMONS
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Angels and demons have quietly entered into peace talks, thanks to Senator John McCain!
KRAKEN GREETS RETURN OF USS INTREPID
NEW YORK, NY – Following three years of repair, the USS Intrepid’s return to Manhattan was greeted by the Tri-State Area’s only known Kraken.
MCCAIN-BORG UPGRADES FOR DEBATE
DALLAS, TX – Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced Monday he will suspend his campaign yet again in order to upgrade his cybernetic systems.
PALIN SPENDS COLUMBUS DAY ON WITCH HUNT
WASILLA, AK – Representatives from the McCain Campaign have confirmed that Vice Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, will spend the Columbus Day holiday on a witch hunt.
OJ SIMPSON: COLLEGE PROFESSOR
CHICAGO, IL – The University of Illinois at Chicago announced this morning that they have offered OJ Simpson an adjunct professorship in its prestigious Drama department.
BAT BOY REGISTERS TO VOTE IN 48 STATES
AUSTIN, TX – On the campus of The University of Texas yesterday afternoon, Bat Boy registered to vote in the Lone Star State.
This marked the forty-eighth state in which the half-bat, half-boy national icon successfully registered to help the nation decide the next US President.
MERRILL LYNCH SLAUGHTERS BULL MASCOT
NEW YORK, NY – As part of the acquisition by Bank of America, Merrill Lynch agreed to slaughter their famous bull corporate logo.
Fossett, Earheart, Hoffa in Bermuda Love Triangle
EMPEROR BLOOMBERG
NEW YORK, NY – Mayor Mike Bloomberg has crowned himself Emperor of New York. The two term mayor has decided to sidestep legal term limits requiring him to step down next year by crowning himself sovereign ruler.