I’m madder than Larry Craig with a broken leg about the latest environmental craziness!

Everybody knows Australians are crazy. They’re the spawn of criminals who got kicked out of England with their hooker girlfriends and had to go live with God’s weirdest animals on a desert island. No wonder they drink so much.

I guess all that beer is causing a big problem: toilet flushing.

The Australian government, which I didn’t even know they had, is now charging folks a tax every time they flush the toilet!

Never mind the Boston Tea Party – if the British tried that on us red, white and blue-blooded Americans, the you-know-what would’ve hit the fan! Ben Franklin and Paul Revere would’ve strung toilet paper all over the city. A man’s latrine is his castle – why do you think they call the toilet the “throne”?

These greenies say water is scarce, but the whole world is covered in it, and it falls from the sky for free. Hell, the Aussies are plum surrounded by the wet stuff. They also say toilet paper’s made of trees, and you know how these hippies feel about trees. But doesn’t that just make toilet paper “natural”? Would they rather we made it out of plastic? I just don’t get it.

I’m pretty sure a country whose water goes down the drain backwards has no business in my crapper, and is probably Communist.

Give our restrooms a rest and stay out of my outhouse, you crazy dirty panda-loving hippies! You’ll have to pry my privy chain out of my cold dead hands!

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