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Amish Use Zombies for Labor

New Holland, PA – The Amish have begun using zombies for manual labor. Despite their reputation for resisting change and a simple life, the Amish are quickly replacing horses and other beasts of burden with the walking dead in many rural communities.

A recent outbreak in nearby Philadelphia brought scores of zombies to Pennsylvania’s idyllic “Amish Country.” Quilt shops and covered bridges from Lancaster to Brandywine were littered with animated corpses. But in tragedy, Jebediah Rosmarin saw an opportunity.
“The town was filled with zombies, and the Jenkins needed their barn raised. Seemed like the natural thing to do.” Rosmarin organized members of his community to corral and tie up the slow moving creatures. Then a volunteer acted as “bait” to lure the lumbering undead in a particular direction, and a barn was raised in record time.
Given their long lifespan and limited food requirements, zombies have become an ideal pack animal for a slow economy. Now covered buggies pulled by zombies can be seen slowly hobbling throughout Lancaster County.
When asked if it is ever awkward to see former friends and loved ones as living-dead pack animals, Rev. Kurtzweill responded “We know they would forgive us for denying them peace, and we forgive them for trying to eat us. In the end the work gets done and that’s what’s most important.”
Now other cities are considering the green alternative of zombie energy. Boston’s Transit Authority has begun work on zombie rickshaws and New York hopes to have zombie-pulled carriage rides through Central Park available by Christmas.

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7 thoughts on “Amish Use Zombies for Labor”

    • Hey Nosmo….off subject, but is that your real name? I worked in a maternity ward once in Baltimore where a lady couldn't think of a name for her baby boy. She read a little sign on the wall, and suddenly he had a name….Nosmo King. Just wondered if that was you, all grown up. True story, by the way!!

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