Do You See What I See?

Drones Actually Santa’s New Tech

Grovers Mill – In the past weeks, the mysterious drones spotted in the skies over New Jersey have sparked countless conspiracy theories. Foreign powers? Aliens? Mass hallucinations? 

The Weekly World News has learned the truth about these drones, and it will melt even the hardest heart. They are the newest delivery system used by that jolly old man of the North, Santa Claus. 

According to Gary Gencko, an esteemed holiday historian, Santa has used the same delivery system for centuries. “It’s reindeer and sleigh, reindeer and sleigh. That’s what he’s been all about forever.” 

In recent years, Gencko says, Santa has begun to adopt new technology. “He knows where he’s going. He’s good at that. But every now and then he’d get lost, and that would be disastrous. A little while back, he got GPS, and it changed his life.”

What also changed Santa’s life, evidently, were the growing numbers of children who, while technically good, frightened and alarmed him. Gencko would not comment on this, but his wife Kelli entered the room to continue the conversation. “Quiet, Gary,” she said. “So how it goes is that Santa’s in a house and this kid charges him just as he came out of the chimney. Scares the pants off of him. He doesn’t even have time to eat cookies” 

That experience got him thinking. Gary Gencko attempted to regain control of the conversation. “You know that Santa can get any present he wants, yeah?” he said. “All he has to do is give it to himself.” The present Santa wanted was a fleet of drones that could deliver presents to these problem children while he sat safe at the North Pole. 

TEST RUN

Kelli smacked the flat of her hand on the coffee table. “He sits safe!” she shouted. “He sits safe! I had a husband like that once. He’s out in the backyard.”

The reporter spoke despite himself, aware that his appearance in the story would be jarring. “Sitting there?” 

“As if,” Kelli said. “He’s out in the backyard—buried!” A series of cackles followed. 

“Anyway,” Gary Gencko said, “now he has these drones. They can navigate rooftops better even than reindeer. And they can even collect short videos of kids’ reactions and send them back to Santa.”

Children are, in the main, pleased. Frankie MacTillish, 10, jumped up and down when asked about his present. “I got a watch! I got a watch! And it came right out of the sky, red and green lights blinking. The only thing was that it got to me a week before Christmas.”

“Right, right,” Gary Gencko said. “This New Jersey thing is a test run. Something like ten thousand kids are getting presents this week so that Santa can work out the kinks. You could say that it’s a pilot program, no pun intended.”

“Shut up, Gary,” Kelli said.