Former President Donald Trump surprised insiders today by announcing that he will not run for president in 2024. Instead, he declared that he’s entering the ring to lead the 2024 insurrection.
At one of his patented rallies in Podunk, South Dakota, in front of a worshipful audience, Trump stunned the crowd when he said, “I have made a very important decision. I am NOT going to run for president in 2024.”
Medical units had to be rushed in, as people in the crowd began hyperventilating and hurling themselves over railings in despair.
Trump pointed to one of the women lying prone on the ground after launching herself over the railing.
“Do you see that woman? Does she love me or what?” Trump said, smiling broadly. “Let’s hope she’s OK. She’s incredible.”
Trump then motioned for the crowd to calm down.
“I could’ve run for president,” he continued, “And I would have won. Easily. In a landslide. Like no one’s ever seen before. Believe me.
“But the election would’ve been rigged, just like last time. Only worse. They would steal the election again. And then I would have to call for another insurrection. Only better.
THE ANSWER TO FAKE NEWS?
“So think about it: What’s the point of going through all that, with the debating and making up nicknames for my opponents and dealing with the horrible fake media? That’s why today I’m announcing I’m skipping the middle-man and… DECLARING MY CANDIDACY FOR THE 2024 INSURRECTION!”
At which point the crowd broke into chants of “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!”
When they calmed down, Trump went on.
“It’s perfect. Like that phone call to Ukraine. I can still fund-raise the hell out of it. As you all know, I don’t have to pretend to follow all those crazy campaign rules and restraints. I get a head-start on overturning the rigged election years before it occurs.
“The horrible fake news media will cry ‘Oh, Trump’s undermining democracy,’ ‘Oh, Trump is shredding the Constitution.’ My answer to them is ‘How can I shred the Constitution if I don’t know what’s in it?’”
“Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!” roared the crowd.
“So hang in there,” Trump exhorted the crowd. “Go to my website and contribute, so we can have the biggest insurrection like no one’s ever seen. Don’t bother voting anymore. It’s all rigged.
“Remember: you can have so-called ‘free elections’ or you can have Trump as your president. But you can’t have both.”