“IT’S LIKE LIVING WITH A BIG PIGEON,” SAYS UNIMPRESSED DAD.
For all those that don’t believe in miracles, they should visit the home of Vinnie and Darla D’Vine. Located in (redacted) in upstate New York, the couple’s humble abode was turned upside down when Darla got pregnant and gave birth to a happy male baby with wings three months ago…a cherub named Gabriel.
As this reporter entered the home, he was greeted by a radiant Darla with her offspring fluttering above her. It was quite the sight. “Hello, Mr. Rivers. I’m Darla and this is Gabe.”
The cherub clapped his hands in glee and fluttered above this reporter’s head, swooping in for some kisses before returning to his spot above his mom. Once inside the house, seemingly normal but for swaths of mosquito netting, Darla explained the event as Gabe settled down in this scribe’s lap for a stomach rub. He giggled as this WWN reporter tickled him.
“Vinnie and I wanted to have a child,” Darla said. “But nothing worked. We went through all these tests and even considered a surrogate mother to carry the baby. But it all was just so complicated, like reading the news. One night, before we went to bed, I prayed to God: ‘please, God. Let me have a little angel of my own.’ And, then, after years of trying, I got pregnant. Then, Gabe was born.”
This reporter continued to tummy rub the squealing, incredibly cute, blonde-haired little angel.
At that point, the front door opened and a haggard man stepped in. He immediately put on a rain slicker and, then, entered the room. “Da-deeeee,” Gabe squealed before launching himself from my lap to the man’s face. The man was Vinnie D’Vine, the cherub’s Dad, and he allowed Gabe to kiss him all over the face, Gabe’s wings battering his eyeballs.
“HE DOESN’T WALK IN HIS SLEEP. HE FLIES IN HIS SLEEP.”
“Hey, kiddo. I’m glad to see you, too. Now, don’t get too excited or something bad will happen…”
At that point, Gabe unloaded a large amount of crap and whiz all over his father’s rain slicker. Vinnie sagged as Darla rushed over. “Oh, Gabe. Look how messy you are. Come with me and we’ll clean you all up.”
She and Gabe left the room as Vinnie slowly removed his rain slicker and put on another. “I buy them in bulk,” he said sitting down. “Darla probably has told you about praying to God for an angel. I keep on wishing she had prayed to the American Kennel Club. I always wanted a dog.”
How has Gabe’s arrival changed Vinnie’s life? “Well, for starters, my kid flies and craps and pukes a lot. You never know what angle it’s all going to hit you. It’s like living with a big pigeon. Then, there was the whole child-proofing the house deal. Most people just have to put locks on the cabinets. Me? I had to do things like remove the overhead rotary fan and put mosquito netting over everything that could fall and break.
“And, then, we discovered that Gabe doesn’t walk in his sleep, he flies in his sleep. I found that out, one night, when I was going to the bathroom and I slipped on his droppings. I did a header, landing on my butt, and was showered with pee. So, more mosquito netting went over the crib.”
“WE’RE SPENDING $200 A WEEK ON LYSOL SPRAY.”
“Up until now, we’ve been trying to keep Gabe’s existence a secret but there are rumors out there, which is why you’re here. I mean, I try to discreetly take him for a ‘walk’ twice a day. I put a harness on him and he flutters above my head as he craps all over the neighborhood. It’s getting harder and harder to keep Gabe a secret, between the packs of barking dogs and the laughing children following us during our saunters.”
Doesn’t Vinnie love Gabe? “Of course I do,” he says, earnestly. “But it’s tough, ya know? We’re spending a small fortune ‘angel-proofing’ the house. I mean, we’re spending $200 a week on Lysol spray. And who knows what he’s going to grow into or if he grows at all. I have visions of him as big as Baby Huey, dropping turds as big as a Volvo in the house… But, right now? He’s a cute little bugger.”
He stood and motioned me towards a tent. “That’s my workstation. I discovered early on that Gabe’s droppings and a computer aren’t compatible.”
“Here’s our little angel,” Darla declared as a just-showered Gabe flew into the room, shaking off the water to all those below.
This reporter thought hard about the predicament the parents found themselves in, trying to accommodate Gabe while attempting a sense of normalcy with their savings slowly dwindling.
Then, this scribe remembered Dick Hyman, a long-time WWN friend and producer of such reality TV hits as “Meet Honey Bulbous,” “Swamp Morons” and the upcoming re-launch of kids’ TV classic “Romper Room” hosted by Kevin Spacey.
After talking to Hyman for a half-hour, this WWN correspondent happily informed Vinnie and Darla that the producer and a film crew would be arriving tomorrow to start filming “Our Little Angel” with the couple getting 50% of all merchandizing as well as a straight salary!
Vinnie jumped up and down with glee. “Now, we won’t have to sell him to a circus!”
The couple embraced, laughing with glee. This, in turn, confused Gabriel who started bouncing off walls. He began to retch. Vinnie saw what was coming and quickly opened an umbrella.
“That’s bad luck!” Darla exclaimed.
Vinnie smirked. “Oh, yeah. Like what more could…”
At that point, a bolt of lightning tore through the ceiling, incinerating the umbrella and setting Vinnie’s hair on fire. Gabriel swooped in and peed the flames out.
“My hero,” Vinnie sighed, collapsing into a chair with enough force to knock a wall plaque from its place. It nailed him in the head. The sign read: “God Bless This Home.”
He stared at this WWN scribe. “This producer guy’s coming tomorrow?”
He smiled and stood. “All righty, then. A round of Lysol on the house!”