SAYS EXPERT: “PEOPLE ARE OVERLOADING ON B.S.!”
A recent poll taken by the Pew-Pew-Pew! Foundation has found that the number of spontaneous combustion cases in America has exploded, going from 5 cases in 2019 to 1900 in 2020. A spokesman from the Foundation, when contacted by WWN, said: “Who are you? Leave me alone! How did you get my home phone number?!”
Less upset was the President of the Spontaneous Combustion Society, Mr. Albert Cronenberg. “It’s an interesting situation,” he told Weekly World News. “Usually, cases of people blowing up real good are scattershot deals. We track all of them. It’s usually chalked up to elderly, obese or drunken people letting go of a cigarette and having it slowly char them. What we’ve been seeing, lately, is that these new cases seem to betray a cause and effect pattern.
“All the people who’ve blown up watched too much TV news. They’re overloading on B.S.”
IS CABLE NEWS THE SPARK?
Cronenberg takes a pause. “It was mostly people with college educations who exploded over cable news in the beginning of the year. This Administration seems to have hit the sweet spot with its denial that the Coronavirus exists, that it will magically disappear; that it’s nothing more than a bad cold and that we should be more concentrated on jump-starting the economy than in living healthy lives. People of a certain intellect level reacted in horror, simmering. After five months of this bilge, they began to lose it.
“The statistics show that people tended to blow-up whenever the President took his Coronavirus team before the cameras and, then, began to babble about anything that occurred to him for hours. It was like listening to Lewis Carroll’s ‘Jabberwocky’ as governmental policy.
“The biggest day of self-implosions occurred on the day he advised injecting bleach and UV lights into the human body. Anybody over the age of three knew that this wasn’t a scientific method. So, hundreds of people went all ‘splodo.’”
“It’s like slapping a puppy for being a good boy.”
Cronenberg continued, “What’s really interesting, though, is that a recent salvo of spontaneous combustion cases have come from people without college degrees. People who just work for a living and try to get by the best they can.
“Apparently, they’ve reacted to the President’s frequent visits to Fox News where he contradicts himself two or three times a minute. This is information overload for that audience. It’s like slapping a puppy for being a good boy. This audience can’t understand why he can’t make a statement without him denying that he said it the next day.”
Cronenberg is concerned that, at a certain point, people will start exploding in public places. “If you’re listening to the news on your iPhone while strolling down a street, you could just erupt. China is a good guy. China is a bad guy. The virus can be subdued through herd strength. The virus can be subdued through social distancing. The virus is being controlled. The virus is not being controlled. People should wear masks. Trump refuses to wear a mask. At a certain point, you’re going to blow.
“Imagine walking down a near-deserted street and having someone implode near you. Do you really want to die fragged by false teeth, American flag pins and shards of skivvies?”
Weekly World News asked Cronenberg what the President could do to calm the populace down.
“Wear a ball gag,” he replied.