PH.D. APE PROMISES VACCINE IN 5 MONTHS!

DR. APE HAS BEEN WORKING WITH HIS TASK FORCE FOR THE LAST SIX WEEKS. HE FEELS LIKE THEY’VE MADE A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH IN THE LAST 48 HOURS.

ATLANTA, GA – Ph.D. Ape was sent to The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) by Dr. Fauci and Dr. BIrx six weeks ago. They felt that if the United States (and the world) had ANY chance of beating the coronavirus, then Ph.D. Ape would have to be involved.

Ph.D. Ape had been working with Bat Boy on his 2020 platform in the last two months. But Bat Boy felt that it was important that Ph.D. Ape do everything he could to save the world from this scourge.

“As soon as he got here, we knew that we had a chance,” said Dr. Lance Botlink, an infectious disease expert. “We thought we knew everything about these coronaviruses, but after Ph.D. Ape looked at the data and the research, well… he blew our minds.”

Ph.D. Ape working with two close associates – a molecular biologist, Dr. Go, and a viral expert, Dr. Gee – studied all the data carefully. Today, Ph.D. Ape made an announcement about his findings.

“I have found a look-alike virus that triggers the same reactions in human beings as the novel coronavirus. Once I am able to break down this particular strain, we should be able to develop a vaccine in short order.”

CAN HE REALLY GET IT DONE THAT SOON?

Weekly World News asked Ph.D. Ape when the vaccine might be available. “Five months. No longer than that,” Ph.D. Ape said.

“But what about the clinical trials, don’t they take a year to 18 months?” WWN asked.

“It takes that long for humans to determine the efficacy of the vaccine,” Ph.D. responded. “But I will be testing it on myself and some of my close ape friends. I can make a determination fairly quickly. I call it the ‘banana test.’ If they take the vaccine and still have a banana appetite within six hours, then the vaccine will work in humans.”

“How does that work?”

“It’s too complicated to explain to you. Trust me. It works,” PhD Ape said.

Bat Boy will miss Ph.D. Ape. He has been an integral part of the “brain trust” Bat Boy has assembled to write his campaign platform. Through an interpreter Bat Boy told Weekly World News that he fully supports Ph.D. Ape. He also promised that once the vaccine is available he will offer it to all Americans for free, along with a year’s supply of toilet paper.

Weekly World News is closely following this developing story.

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