Advertisements

BIGFINGERS!

New ape species discovered in Colorado.

LAKE COUNTY, CO – After hiking to the summit of Mount Elbert, zoologist Jeff Sanders knew his career was made when he saw a very unusual primate overturning large stones, looking for grubs to eat.

“The creature was about three feet tall,” said Sanders. “It had a humanoid face and the general physique of a chimpanzee, with one exception. Its fingers were three times larger. Except for the fingers, it looked familiar, though I couldn’t quite place it.”

When the hominid saw Sanders hiding behind a ree, it slapped its hands together, producing a thunderous sound that reverberated across the rocky hills.

“I got the feeling that I should leave,” Sanders told Weekly World News. But I knew that if I left I would probably never see this animal again. The chance to study and identify a hitherto unknown species was worth the risk.”

Within a few minutes, five more big fingered creatures had converged around their companion. Seeing them in a group jogged Sanders’ memory.

“They looked like the Bigfoots I’d seen in Weekly World News,” said Sanders. “Their faces, I mean, they had the same bone structure, features, and expressions. Instead of large feet, this species had large fingers.”

ARE THEY FRIENDLY?

Hoping that these beasts had a mental capacity similar to that of Bigfoot, he decided to try and make friends with them. “I don’t mean any slight to Bigfoot, but well, I am a zoologist.”

Sanders went on to say, “I took an apple from my backpack and held it toward them,” said Sanders. “They were naturally suspicious at first. After speaking a few soft, comforting words, one of them finally knuckle-walked toward me and swiped the apple with its enormous hand.”

One turkey sandwich and two bags of chips later, the Bgifingers were totally at ease with Sanders, giving him a chance to study them more closely.

To confirm his theory about kinship, he collected a few Bigfinger hair samples from the ground.

As he was leaving, one of the Bigfingers turned and approached Sanders. He held up his giant hand.

“He wanted me to high-five him,” said Sanders, “I was charmed by the gesture, so I obliged.

“The doctors tell me I can remove the forearm bandage in about a month.”

Advertisements

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.