He’s Ready to Rumble!

Every Democratic debate has been slightly different, from the crowded stages late last year to the more recent, winnowed-down fields.

The next one will be the most different yet, not just because former New York mayor Mike Bloomberg has qualified, but also because Bat Boy has.

“That’s right,” said Bat Boy’s campaign manager, Ph.D. Ape. “He’s an independent, fiercely so. ‘Left-Wing and Right-Wing,’ as the slogan goes. But Nevada has been important to him from the start, and the state has responded accordingly. We’ve gotten lots of love from the Silver State. At the same time, his poll numbers have been rising steadily—he managed to top ten percent in three consecutive polls, which put him on the debate stage.”


There are many practical obstacles. “As all his supporters know, he speaks in a series of high-pitched shrieks, so he’ll need a translator,” said Ph.D. Ape. 

“I do,” said Bat Boy through a translator. 

“But I should add,” said Ph.D. Ape, “that the way he speaks also is a form of echolocation, so it allows him to see things that the other candidates cannot see.”

“It does,” said Bat Boy though a translator. 

“He would also be the only bat or even part-bat candidate on the stage,” said Ph.D. Ape, “which would bring much-needed diversity to the Democratic debate stage.”

“It would,” said Bat Boy through a translator.


Then there’s the matter of the podium. Much attention has been focused in recent weeks on Mayor Bloomberg’s height—President Trump has claimed that he is 5’4”, while Bloomberg has put his own height at 5’7” or 5’8”. Bat Boy is far shorter than that. “He’s maybe ten inches tall,” said Ph.D. Ape. 

In addition, some of the other candidates—at least Biden, Blobuchar, Warren, and Buttigieg—are chiroptophobic, meaning that they have a clinically recognized fear of bats. “Frankly, I consider it a form of discrimination,” said Ph.D. Ape. “Nevertheless, we have agreed to enclose him in a glass hood so that he doesn’t fly around the stage and frighten these bigots.” 

Ph.D. Ape says that Bat Boy is looking forward to the challenge: “We know that he has more coherent and workable ideas about things like obtaining universal health care, protecting us against mounting debt, and extracting nutrients from fruits quickly via fangs. We are excited for Americans to hear his thinking on these issues, and we fully expect that it will send his already healthy poll numbers soaring.”


The campaign is also dealing with a rogue prankster who has started to put up posters for a parody candidate, Bet Boy, who is promoting Las Vegas gambling. “Our candidate does not condone gambling,” said Ph.D. Ape.

“I don’t,” said Bat Boy through a translator.


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