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ALIENS FIXED THE SUPERBOWL!

Super Bowl LIV, which found the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49’ers battling for National Football League supremacy, turned out to be an exciting contest, with a tight first half; a second half in which the 49’ers looked as though they might use their running game and the efficient play of quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo to control the clock and steadily pull away from the Chiefs (who were hampered by an uncharacteristically sluggish performance by their own quarterback, Patrick Mahomes); and then a six-minute stretch in the fourth quarter where the Chiefs, suddenly firing on all cylinders, surged past the Niners and took the game 31-20. It was one of the closest and tensest Super Bowls of recent years. 

And it was all fixed by aliens.

DETECTIVE MICHAEL SINATRA

Police in Miami, acting on a tip, arrested four beings in a South Beach hotel Monday afternoon and charged them with using mind control to precisely direct the events of the game. The beings, including two known criminals from the planet Gootan, employed a sophisticated Plant-In strategy to effectively call in their own plays throughout the game. 

Detective Michael Sinatra explained the scam: “They planted ideas in minds, plain and simple. If they wanted a quarterback to defy a passing play and tuck the ball in the takeoff, that would happen. If they wanted a receiver to drop the ball, that would happen. If they wanted a cornerback to miss a tackle, that would happen. It’s a foolproof strategy, and we’re the fools.”

Sinatra added that the aliens did not always focus on the players. “They could target the coaches,” he said. “So that means that a certain play would go in. They could even control the crowd, so that applause levels varied. The whole time we think we’re watching a great game, we’re just being toyed with. It makes me sick. It’s Unamerican.”

EVEN WORSE

Even worse, the aliens did not seem to profit from the fix. “We can find no record that they even gambled,” Sinatra said. “They just wanted to show us that we’re putty in their hands.”

Police are now investigating whether the aliens have interfered in other American processes, such as the World Series or even the presidential election. 

Sinatra, who is not related to the famous singer, nevertheless sings a little. “Yeah,” he says. “I do. Since the arrests, I’ve been approached with ideas for shows where I’m some kind of singing cop. Only the Felony, one guy wanted to call it. I don’t know. I have bigger fish to fry. I’m going to find these aliens that are ruining our American way of life and I’m going to throw them in the clink.”

“If you’re betting on this one, bet on Mike Sinatra,” said Detective George Howard. “Without the fix being in, Mike’s going to win.”

“George, have you been sitting there this whole time?” Sinatra said.

“Yes,” Howard said.

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