YOUR BRAIN IS IN OUR JAR!

“IT’S LIKE YOUR BRAIN IS IN OUR JAR!”: TRUMP PAIRS WITH TECH GIANTS ON MIND-CONTROL TECHNOLOGY!

Donald Trump has been involved in a series of high-level secret meetings with tech giants like Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, Twitter’s Jack Dorsey, and Apple’s Tim Cook to devise strategies for controlling the minds of ordinary Americans.

Zuckerberg convened the first meeting more than a year ago by making overtures to the president about new “security tools” and “ad filters.” “I have scheduled a series of meetings with people from across the political spectrum,” Zuckerberg said. “Some were just meet-and-greets. Others were specifically focused on world domination.”

At the first meeting with Trump, Zuckerberg and the others began with a standard presentation before shifting into what they called Project Brainbath, a top-secret initiative in which post-hypnotic suggestions could be delivered via pop-up ads. “At first, Trump was distracted,” said Zuckerberg. “He kept asking us to look at how many friends and followers he had.”

“He failed initially to assess the ways in which Project Brainbath had real currency, especially given the potential wide-net synergy with mobile platforms,” said Cook. “With this technology, we explained, we can effectively control elections, change people’s basic understanding of events, even trigger homicidal or suicidal impulses. He looked at us blankly. It took a rather straightforward metaphor drawn from black-and-white science-fiction films to explain it to him. With Project Brainbath, we told him, it’s like your brain is in our jar.”

When Zuckerberg began to discuss the software’s technical specifications, Trump lost patience and wandered around the room touching things and naming them out loud as he did so. “You know,” Zuckerberg said. “He’d say ‘Table, chair, chair,’ or ‘Sofa, lamp, wall.'”

“I missed almost all of that meeting,” Dorsey said. “The other guys sent me out to pick up pizza.”

THE PRESIDENT GETS IT!

Zuckerberg revealed that at the conclusion of that first meeting, Trump was eager to meet again. “He was very persistent,” he said. “He kept saying ‘Me, you, Jack, and Tim Apple.’ As it turns out, he really does think Tim’s last name is Apple.”

Trump arrived at the second meeting accompanied by his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, and his sons, Don Jr. and Eric.

“That second time around, Trump understood the idea of Project Brainbath much better than his sons or Rudy,” Zuckerberg said. “Or maybe he was just repeating things that we said at the first meeting. Don Jr. Eric, and Rudy mostly seemed interested in ordering food.” 

Despite the many potential applications of the technology, Trump seemed interested in using Brainbath mostly to make people buy things. “He said he had lots of water still to sell,” Cook said. “And steak.”

“I missed most of that meeting, too,” Dorsey said. “For the first forty-five minutes or so, I was out picking up Mexican food.”

According to Cook and Zuckerberg, Project Brainbath will begin during the first months of 2020. “I mean, we’re happy to announce it, because it’s impossible to detect and impossible to stop,” Zuckerberg said. “Plus, the way it works, even if we tell someone about it clearly—I mean directly to their face, like Hello! This is exactly what we’re doing!—all we have to do to wipe their memory is get them to look at any screen a single time. And I mean any screen: computer, phone, tablet, even a menu at a fast-food restaurant. No one avoids all screens.”

Trump, his sons, and Giuliani all denied attending any meetings, though Eric did note that the burritos were delicious.

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