WASHINGTON, DC – Passing by an huge majority, the House of Representatives set a new precedent in fiscal oversight: seizing executives’ pants and first-born child!
As details of retention pay and bonuses being paid with taxpayer funded bailout money to AIG executives came to light this week, Congress was called on to take action quickly.
The public, already bruised over details of corporate mishandling of bailout funds to pay for luxury jets and retreats to exotic locations, demanded that Congress recoup taxpayer funds used to pay bonuses rather than prevent layoffs or cover necessary debts.
Congress, in a surprisingly bipartisan movement, took even greater action than the average taxpayer could have hoped for.
“We are just as disgusted by the actions of AIG as are our constituents,” Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank, chairmen of the House Financial Services Committee told reporters after the bill passed the House. “This is not just a symbolic move to show our anger. Democrats and many Republicans united to pass this bill which will reclaim 90% of the bonuses paid along with some non-monetary assets that will drive home our point.”
In addition to the 90% tax on the bonus funds, the bill calls for the seizing of various assets based on the level of participation in decision making and allocating of funds on the part of each executive.
Executives who simply received bonuses, but were not involved in the decision to pay them, will have their bonus taxed as well as three out of every five pairs of pants confiscated.
In the more extreme cases, the top brass of AIG will have their bonuses taxed, in addition to every pair of pants they own being seized, as well as their first born child, regardless of age, and the removal of every third tooth starting with the rear right molar.
“This bill sure means business,” Robert Gibbs, Obama Administration Press Secretary said during a special afternoon press briefing to discuss the bill. “I won’t discuss the President’s feelings on each specific detail of the bill, as it is surely to be tweaked in the Senate before reaching his desk for signature.”
“What I will say, is that The President feels the House accomplished a great achievement today and their constituents should be proud of their Representatives. President Obama was deeply disturbed by the paying of bonuses to executives of a company that needed billions upon billions of taxpayer dollars to prevent going belly-up and feels Congress is on the right track to correct the situation.”
“If I could speak off the record for a moment, I will tell you that The President told me in the strictest of confidence that he personally looks forward to carrying out some of the ‘seizing’ called for in the bill.”
Back on the record, Secretary Gibbs declined further comment.